Page 130 of Could Have Been Us
I get to my feet, feeling the dread starting to weigh me down. It’s almost time. The conversation is leading to us going, and we have to leave her.
There is no more denying or avoiding it. Stella and I will get into our car and return to Willow Creek without Kinsley—again.
I turn away, running my fingers through my hair, working to get myself under control. I have to say goodbye to her. This time, she’s not a tiny baby I can pretend isn’t mine. She’s grown, smart, funny, beautiful, witty, and I can’t fucking keep her.
I have to drive away, leaving her behind, and . . .
Stella’s hand touches my shoulder. “Jack?” Her voice is soft, full of understanding about the battle raging inside me. When I turn, she’s blurry, and I realize that I’m about to lose it. She moves her fingers to my face. “Not now. Please, not yet. If you . . . I can’t.”
I inhale deeply and wipe away the tears. I have to be strong for Stella and for Kinsley. She’s so happy to be home that I don’t want to taint that with having her see Stella and I fall apart. I want her to remember how happy she makes us and know we loved her. We loved her with a force that has allowed us to let her go yet another time.
When I exhale, I let it all go and erect whatever walls I can around my emotions so that I can get through this.
“We should go home.” My voice quivers.
I can see the war raging within Stella. She wants to go, to get this over with so we can start to figure out this new version of our lives, but she also wants to stay. If we can be here, we have her still, it’s not over.
But it is.
It’s over, and I need to get the hell away from this before those walls I built crumble around us.
Stella hiccups. “Right. We should.”
Samuel blows out a hard breath. “Okay. I’ll get Kinsley and give you guys some space. I need to call my sponsor.”
A small whimper comes from Stella, but she turns her back and starts to pace. After a second, she straightens her spine and pushes her shoulders back. This woman is a warrior, and she’s ready to battle even though she knows she’ll take many blows during the fight.
Kinsley enters. “You guys are leaving?”
“Yeah, kid, we have to get on the road.”
She looks down. “Right. It’s a long drive. I understand.”
I dread the hours in the car with nothing to do but think.
“Are you all settled in?” Stella asks.
“I think so.” Kinsley moves farther into the room, looking from me to Stella. “Can you stay for dinner? Or maybe we can watch the last episode of the show? I bet she doesn’t get the answer right and leaves.”
Stella shakes her head. “I don’t think so. You have a lot to do, and Samuel needs some time with you.”
Kinsley’s voice quivers as she speaks quickly. “Will I see you guys again?”
This. This is going to be our undoing. If she cries, I am not going to be able to hold it together.
Stella steps closer, and her hand goes to Kinsley’s face. “I don’t know what to say. I keep trying to come up with something that will express how I feel, but I can’t. So, I’m going to say the truth and hope it’s enough.” Kinsley’s eyes fill with tears, and I see the crack in her for the first time. “I am beyond honored that you are my daughter. Every minute that I got to spend with you is something I will cherish. Your dad is going to talk to you, and if you want me . . . us...we want you to know that we’re here. We will always be here. I love you, Kinsley. More than I will ever be able to tell you. I hope we get to see each other. I hope that you want to know me and Jack. I just . . . I hope.”
Her lips quiver, and then she wraps her arms around Stella. The two of them embrace, both crying, and I turn away, my chest tight as my own tears fall.
I’m angry at the world that’s forcing Stella and me to have to go through this again.
I’m sad because I didn’t want to know Kinsley. I didn’t want to see her as the beautiful girl she is. If she had stayed a baby in my mind, I could’ve pretended.
Ignorance gave me bliss, and now it’s gone.
“No more tears,” Stella says, and I turn as Stella wipes away Kinsley’s tears. “We have to be strong and show the guys how to handle it.”
Kinsley tries to laugh, but it sounds more like a sob. My mask is in place as I move to her.
