Page 123 of Could Have Been Us
Four days until we send her back to Georgia.
I shake off the thoughts, refusing to go down this hole again. I fell asleep last night in Jack’s arms with tears running down his chest. He didn’t say a word, just allowed me to be sad about what’s to come.
“She is.”
“Of course she adores Ollie.”
I smile at my brother as he performs some stupid card trick for her. “Everyone does.” Jess rubs her growing baby bump. “How are you feeling?”
“Good. We’re excited for the baby and Amelia is beside herself.”
“I’m sure. She loves things she can boss around, so a sister is going to be right up her alley.”
Jessica laughs. “She definitely owns her father and uncles.”
“Always has.”
I look at my niece, who’s sitting on Josh’s lap with a smile. “It’s funny that Josh seems to be the uncle Amelia loves most.”
I grin. “She loves whoever is giving her what she wants. Josh has always been under her spell. I don’t know if it’s because he claims he’ll never have kids of his own so he could love Amelia with his whole heart and not worry.”
“Why is that?”
“Josh took being the oldest as a great responsibility. When he left for college, he was really guilty over it. I thought he was just being stupid about being away, but when I look back on it, I can see how much Josh shielded us from the ugly shit in our family,” I explain. “Gray did too, but Josh really did until he left. Knowing what I do now about my parents, it’s clear that he was aware of things between our parents and shielded us.”
“So he’s going to punish himself now?” she asks.
Both of our gazes move to Delia, the girl Joshua has refused to admit he has loved since they were kids. The saddest part is that she loves him too. However, Josh will never be like my father. He won’t enter into marriage, have kids, or let his heart be open to it.
“He thinks love is a punishment.”
She snorts. “He might not be wrong.”
I sigh and take a sip of my drink. “Maybe, but I would rather suffer from loss and remember the joy while it happens.”
She lifts her glass of apple juice. “I’ll drink to that.” Jess’s hand rests on my arm. “But seriously, are you okay?”
“I’m sad because I don’t know if she’s sad at all over it, which is crazy. Mostly, I’m worried about how I go forward.”
“What do you mean?”
I drop my voice to a whisper. “Do I call her or wait for her to call me? Do I ask her if she wants to see us again? Will Samuel want that after he knows we’ve had her in our care? Does she even want to talk to us after?”
“What did your adoption paperwork say?”
I wipe away the tear that fell. “Basically that we would get yearly updates and that legally, our names be listed on her birth certificate if Kinsley ever wanted to know who we are. I remember the agency explaining it wasn’t really a contract so much as a nonbinding agreement between Misty, Samuel, and us. There’s nothing that we are legally afforded.”
Jessica lets out a heavy sigh. “So, you might send her back and never see her again.”
I nod. “It’s possible. I don’t think he would, but he might. He is her father—legally.”
She pulls me in for a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. The thing is, Kinsley comes first. I feel like giving her back though, it’s like reliving it all over again. For the last month, I’ve had this little girl in my home. I’ve cooked, washed clothes, and been like a real mom. I’m going to give that up.”
“She seems to really like you and Jack.”
I turn to look at her, my throat closing when I imagine not being able to just look at her again. “She seems to. But once she goes back to her father, I don’t know what we’ll become. Before, it was almost easy because the rules were defined.”
