Page 117 of Could Have Been Us
“If you do that again, you’ll feel the answer to that question,” Jack warns.
Little does he know that’s not much of a deterrent. “I’m hoping that’s the case,” I say and then repeat the motion.
After we finish, we lie in bed and watch the sunlight start to filter through the curtains. I listen to his heartbeat, which is strong and steady beneath my ear. “Will you talk to me?” I ask a few minutes later.
“About?”
I turn, resting my chin on my hand. “You’ve been distant this week.”
“I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Such as?” I prompt.
“Well, Samuel is supposed to call Kinsley today. Oliver is coming tonight, and we’re going to Amelia’s party next weekend. All of this . . . I don’t know, Stella, aren’t you worried? We have a little over a week left with her. That’s it.” He sighs deeply, the serene look he had is gone, replaced with frustration.
I sit up, pulling the sheet with me. “I know, but worrying about it doesn’t change that. What I don’t know is why you’re being distant with me.”
Jack shakes his head. “Worrying about it is all I do. Someone has to.”
“What does that mean? You think I don’t care?”
He sits up, exhaling and rubbing his forehead. “I didn’t say you don’t care. I’m saying that if you know what’s to come, what is after that? What exactly do we do?”
I blink a few times, bristling at the change in his tone. “What we have to.”
He laughs once. “What we have to? How do you see this playing out, baby? Do you think we’re going to just give her back without it tearing our hearts out? That I’m not going to go to Melia Lake and remember the time we took Kinsley out there?”
“Why is remembering her a bad thing?”
Jack sits up, running his fingers through his thick, brown hair. “You asked me why I’m being distant. Well, that’s what’s on my mind. I’m fucking terrified and doing what I can to make sure that, in a week, we’re not completely broken.”
“Why would we be broken?” I fling another question at him, which seems to be all I’m able to do at this point.
“Because you’re falling in love with this kid.” I pull the sheet higher, and my lip trembles. “You can’t deny it. You are going to fall apart, and what am I supposed to do then? How do I watch you struggle? How do I make it right? Tell me.”
This has always been reality. I knew it from the start, but I’ve also done what I could not to think about it. It was easy the first week when it was still new and we didn’t really know her yet. Then she started to come out of her shell and spend time with us. We have a routine where we have dinner, talk about our day, the plans for the lake, and play some weird math game she likes, which Jack is amazing at.
I’ve gotten to know her.
And I’ve let my guard down.
“I don’t know, but I can’t keep her at arm’s length. Not when we have this chance with her. We knew what the rules were when we agreed to help.”
He gets out of bed and starts to get dressed. “I’m not asking you to. I’m just answering the question you asked me and being honest about my concerns. We are going to have to let her go again. Today is going to show us that, and I want you to be ready for it.”
I appreciate his concern, and it’s not without merit, but I know she’s not ours to keep. I don’t have some silly fantasy about her wanting to stay, and even if she did, I couldn’t do that to Samuel.
He’s getting help to be better for Kinsley, so to take her from him would be cruel.
“I’m not living under false pretenses, Jack.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“I know, but just because I refuse to keep her at a distance, doesn’t mean I’m not aware of the situation. Regardless of what we all say, I am her mother and you are her father. We may not get to raise her, but there hasn’t been a day she’s drawn breath that I haven’t loved her.” I get to my feet, throwing my shirt on and then jamming my legs into my pants. “I loved her the day I knew she was in my stomach. I loved her the day I gave birth to her, and I have spent every day since then loving her enough to let her go. You are the one who is fooling yourself,” I say to him, watching his eyes flare at my last words.
This isn’t the discussion I thought we’d be having, but here it is.
He turns his back on me, looking out the window. “You’re wrong about this, Stella. You’re going to end up hurt.”
