Page 37 of Return to Us
Oh, he’s working. He has just gotten really good at avoiding where I am. “We don’t cross paths very often.”
She writes something down, and I want to reach over the coffee table and grab her notebook. “What are you writing?”
“Just notes and things I want to remember. It’s nothing bad.”
“I feel like Grayson is a big deal to you for some reason.”
Dr. Warvel places the notepad down before sitting up a bit taller. “I think he’s a big deal for you, Jessica. There’s a reason that I bring him up, and the longer we dance around the subject, the less we’ll accomplish in these sessions.”
My breath leaves my chest in a rush. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Let’s go back to the crash.”
“I would rather not.”
“I know, but I think it’s important. Especially before you leave for the trip this weekend, which is another thing we should discuss.”
“I’m going with Delia.”
She raises her brow. “And who else?”
“Gray and Jack will be there, but there’s nothing to it. It’s just friends, and his kid will be there.”
“The crash, Jessica. What did you write down about your thoughts around Grayson?”
Grayson Parkerson is my one regret in life. I loved him so much, and I let him go. Now I’m going to die, and he’ll never know.
I regret reading that fucking notebook to her more than anything.
“Yes, in that moment, I had regrets around him, but . . . it’s not like that now.”
“Why? What has changed?”
I huff. “There’s . . . the . . . I know what . . . couch . . .” Fucking hell. It’s been two days since my last stutter like this, but here I am, bumbling again.
Instead of her normal method of trying to calm me, she just waits, and I count, breathe, and close my eyes. I am okay. I can do this. I just need to relax and not get worked up. After a few minutes of deep breathing, I open my eyes.
“That was very good,” she praises.
“Nothing has changed.”
Her lips are soft, and there’s a bit of sympathy in her eyes. “No, nothing has changed other than the fact that you’re here and can face it. When we’re forced to deal with a life-altering event, things sometimes become crystal clear or they turn muddy. How are you prepared to deal with your nightmares on the trip?”
This is the part that has been a problem. Delia knows about them, and when it was going to be us with Stella, I was okay with it. If they heard me cry out, it wouldn’t be an issue, but with Grayson and Jack, I don’t know what to do.
“I’m hoping I just don’t sleep. Maybe I can nap during the day.”
Dr. Warvel’s lips turn down. “Jessica, that’s not a plan.”
“It’s the best one I’ve got.”
“Okay, what if you were honest with them, told them about the dreams? I’m sure anyone in that group would understand since it’s not an uncommon occurrence after a trauma.”
I’m sure that’s true, and I don’t think that anyone in that group would ever judge me for it. “I’ve already exposed my weakness with speaking, I’d like to hope that maybe my dreams won’t be so bad.”
“Have they lessened at all?”
I release a heavy sigh. “In some ways. I’m not waking up each night in a cold sweat. Last night, I know I dreamed it, but I don’t remember the panic.”
