Page 102 of Return to Us
Jessica
Grayson and I look at each other, the awkwardness growing with each second.
I have the strangest urge to weep. As though, her answer is too profound to explain. I love this man and I love her too. In just a short period of time, Amelia has become so dear to me, and it’s unfathomable how anyone wouldn’t want to be her mother. How any woman could turn away from her is beyond me, and then I realize, that’s exactly what I would do if I left.
I’d walk away from them both. I’d give up this . . . this wonderful little life that I could have. How has just a few months of being back home altered everything inside me? How did spending that one night in his arms make this big of a difference?
So much so that even thinking about him with another woman makes me want to cry. The mere thought of someone else helping her into her car seat has my heart wanting to rip from my chest.
I need to get a grip.
We both said go slow and here I am, imagining becoming a family.
Grayson’s eyes never leave mine, and I can see the hesitation. Neither of us knows what to say, and then he turns to her. “I don’t know that you can get that from a game, but how about we go inside and you can help me with the sheets?”
Amelia claps her hands and reaches over to unbuckle herself. “Okay! And then can we build a sand town? And then go swimming? Can we have pizza for dinner?”
Oh, to be four years old and have the attention span of a goldfish.
He hops out of the car, and I follow, grabbing bags and the coolers we packed with food. Amelia rushes toward the front of the house, giving us the first bit of privacy.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, of course, why?” I ask with a squeak.
“Because Amelia just shocked the shit out of both of us.”
I relax and force a smile on my face. “She’s four, and I can’t imagine she doesn’t long for a mother.”
Grayson looks away. “I hate that I can’t give her that. Of all the things I can provide, I can’t make her own mother want her.”
The pain in his voice makes me ache. I would do anything to take it away for him. “Gray, you give her everything.”
“Do I?”
“She is the happiest kid I’ve ever met. She adores you. You’ve given her a lake . . . I mean, seriously, there’s nothing that you have to feel bad about.”
He nods once, which I can tell he doesn’t really mean, but I’m not going to press it. “Let’s get the house ready and get lunch.”
“Okay.”
We work as a team, Melia bouncing between us as we work to uncover furniture and get the air working. It’s not overly hot, but with the windows closed up the last two months, there’s a slight stagnant smell.
Wow. It’s been only two months since we kissed. Two months of feelings and love and fear of what all of it means.
I stand in the bedroom, my fingers just brushing against the comforter as I walk to the sliding glass door that looks out at the ocean. When I move the heavy curtains to the side, the light filters in, showing tiny flecks of dust in the air. All of it orbiting around me, small pieces, but once the dust settles, what then?
Will it get swept away and forgotten or become a piece of something greater?
I feel Grayson’s presence before I hear him. Then his hands settle on my shoulders.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m in love with you,” I say, not turning to him.
“And that’s a problem?” There’s a slight laughter in his voice.
Fragments of me are his. Parts that I will never get back, and I worry what it all means. “I don’t want to leave you, Grayson.”
