Page 124 of Return to Us
We hang up, and the cold is too much. There’s a blustering wind that is sending a draft through the house, so I get up and turn the heat on, hoping it kicks in quickly.
I refuse to sleep in that room. I can’t . . . it’s hard enough being here and not thinking of Grayson. This house holds memories that no one can take. It’s where we made love the first time and where we conceived this child. It’s where we laughed, smiled, and found hope. I need some damn hope right now.
I go into the pink room and grab the comforter off the bed and go back to the couch.
My eyelids are heavy because, between the tears and the pregnancy, I am always tired.
I look at my phone, the screen filled with a picture of Grayson, Amelia, and me smiling as we stand by the ocean. We were so happy and I truly believed we’d become a family.
“You stupid man,” I say to him, feeling the sadness building again.
I close my eyes as a tear trickles down my face, hating that this hurt won’t ebb.
* * *
My lungs hurt. Each breath feels labored.
Jesus. This dream. I can’t handle it right now.
I open my eyes, but it’s too dark for me to see anything. I cough, trying to get air.
This is a new dream, one where everything is too real. My heart races as I move from side to side, trying to wake. My body is hot, sweat all around me.
I try to see again, but there’s . . . smoke.
Oh my God.
I’m not dreaming. I roll off the couch, hitting the floor hard and pulling my blanket over my head to try to protect my breathing. My phone. It was in my hand. I feel around for it and touch the screen. It lights up, but I can’t see anything. I press where the phone is, hoping I get it right.
It rings and rings, at least I’ll get a hold of someone.
“Jessica . . .”
Of course it’s him. I called Grayson. As much as I want to cry, I know I’m in trouble. “Grayson, there’s a fire.”
“What?” His voice changes. “Where are you?”
“I’m . . . it’s everywhere.” I cough harder. “I can’t breathe.”
“Jessica!” he yells into the receiver. “Where are you?”
“Beach,” I say before another coughing fit takes over. I need to get out of here. I pull the blanket off from over my head, staying low and covering my mouth. “I’m at the beach house.”
His voice changes to being almost eerily calm. “Okay, where are you in the house?”
“The living room. Under a blanket.”
“All right. I need you to try not to breathe too much. Just take a deep breath now, and then I want you to orient yourself to find a door or a window.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. As much as I wish I had called my sister or Delia, there’s a strange relief that it’s him. If something happens, his voice will be the last one I hear. Grayson is also a firefighter and can tell me what to do. He’ll figure this out. I can’t . . . I can’t think about it.
“Lift the blanket and look where you are.”
I do as he says, but the smoke is so thick that it’s hard to see. I go back under. “Gray, I can’t see.”
“Okay. Stay low, and we’re going to crawl to where the door is. I’m on the phone with 9-1-1 now, just stay on the phone. Help is coming. I’m coming.”
“I’m scared.”
