Page 107 of Return to Us
Some days, I feel as if being happy is a curse. I’ve felt loss, some of it was self-inflicted, but it was to protect myself from the pain of it not being on my terms. Which caused another version of suffering. All of it sucks, and thankfully, Dr. Warvel has helped me to see that.
Things happen. Life isn’t easy, but the struggle allows the beauty to shine through. Without that pain, we wouldn’t know what joy feels like. I’m finding ways to endure them both and not let one determine the other.
“Speaking of learning and your mental health”—Delia gets to her feet—“it’s time for your first appointment of the day.”
“Yes, let’s go see the neurologist and hear that I still can’t drive.”
* * *
“I feel like a lot has been changing for you since we began,” Dr. Warvel says. “It’s all been happening very rapidly, which isn’t a bad thing, but I’d like to gauge how you feel about it. Do you feel like things are going in the right direction?”
“Yes. I mean, it’s all good things, right?”
“It sounds like it, but I sense a bit of hesitation.”
“I guess I’m just scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Do you know when you get a gift that is everything you want? It’s perfect and no one can tarnish this present in your mind. Then, something happens, maybe it just isn’t functioning right. You still love it, but . . . there’s a pause when you think about it. I worry that’s how all of this, Grayson and me and being in Willow Creek, is going to go.”
“How so?”
Why does she make me answer everything I don’t want to? Sometimes, these sessions are insanely frustrating. I know that’s the whole point but isn’t there some saying about ignorance being bliss? I’d like some damn bliss please.
I sigh, which sounds more like a groan. “Because! Hasn’t history shown that life . . . life doesn’t get to be perfect.”
Dr. Warvel studies me for a moment. “Do you think he could be worried too? Maybe not the same fears, but that you’ll leave him?”
“I know he does.”
He tries to pretend, but I can see it. We’re waiting to tell Amelia, and there’s a part of me that thinks he’s hesitating just in case.
In case today goes a certain way.
In case . . .
And now the case is true.
“Well, Jessica, that’s the risk we take when we allow our hearts to be vulnerable. It’s scary, but it’s beautiful. Life and living are beautiful.” She changes topics. “Tell me about the headaches?”
“Their frequency has dropped enough that they aren’t really an issue.” I can see her settling in to ask the next question, which is one I wish she would just forget about.
“What about the nightmares?”
That is the one area there is very little improvement, at least, not as much as I’d hoped. There is sometimes a reprieve, but it’s only on the nights when Grayson is there to keep them at bay.
“Still reoccurring.”
“And still as intense?”
I nod. “Sometimes, I wake up and I can’t see. Like the concussion just happened, and my sight is gone for that minute. I have to fight to stay calm because I know it’s just that there’s no light in the room.”
“Are you still writing them down?”
“No,” I admit.
Dr. Warvel purses her lips. “Okay, are you having them on the nights you’re with Grayson? If so, how is he handling them?”
