Page 128 of Stay for Me
Ellie tucks her legs under her. “My parents died when I was young. I struggled so much with reconciling why God could take the only people I loved away from me. They came to visit me at college, and that was the last time I saw them. It was as if I went from feeling safe and as though things were going to be okay to completely alone overnight. I was so afraid of that being the case that I married Kevin without really knowing him that well. It is crazy how we convince ourselves that things like this are our fault in some way.”
I glance at where her fingers are fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “How was the accident your fault?”
“If I hadn’t needed them, they would never have been on the road. Then, when Kevin started being abusive, well, I thought that was my penance. A part of me thought I deserved it. Not just because he told me I did or because I was pretty sure I was pregnant with another man’s baby, but because I had convinced myself that it was somehow because of the accident.”
I reach out, resting my hand on hers. “It’s not your fault. That accident wasn’t at all your doing, and you definitely didn’t deserve to be abused.”
She smiles softly. “I know that now. Connor loving me showed me that. My point is, no matter what lies you’re going to tell yourself about this, they are just lies. Loving him didn’t make his plane go down any more than it made Luke’s. Your fight with Jacob doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know you love him or that you meant any of the things you said in anger.”
I wipe away a tear. “When did you become my shrink?”
“When you looked like you needed one. How did I do?”
The look on her face causes me to laugh, which I didn’t think I could do. “You did great.”
“It’s hard to love someone and have them taken.”
I nod. “It’s even harder when you have things left unsaid.”
Ellie sighs deeply. “I wrote down all the things I wanted to say to my mother once. It was almost like a log of bullet points that let her know how bad things were. If she were alive, I never would’ve been able to tell her any of it. I think that’s part of the issue. We all struggle with our emotions, especially with the people we love most.”
“Don’t I know it.”
I said things to Jacob that I didn’t mean. I didn’t fix it, which is what I will regret always. I made a vow to myself after Luke died that I would do my best to never leave things unsaid. Here I am, fucking that up.
“Can I ask you something?”
I look to her. “Sure.”
“Do you think that Luke or Jacob, if . . . well, do you think that they thought you didn’t love them?”
The question stuns me. “I don’t know.”
“See, that’s the thing, I know he knows you do. I don’t think Jacob would question your feelings, but he would question his guilt over leaving. You know, deep down, that he loves you. Even if you lose him, you don’t have to dwell on that.”
She’s right. I do know it. I know that Luke loved me, regardless of the decisions he made. He tried, I know he did, but it always felt like we came up short. With Jacob, it isn’t that way. We have had such a short time, but it was more intense and heartfelt than I can explain. I know that he loves me—truly loves me. That is why, when he said he was leaving for work, I was so irrational.
I needed that all to be real.
I couldn’t handle another half-hearted love that took a back seat to a job which isn’t what he was doing, but I couldn’t stop the feelings of fear.
Not once in the time Jacob and I spent together did he ever make me feel as if I were second choice.
“That saying about loving and losing is total shit, you know that, right?”
Ellie sips her tea. “Complete bullshit.”
* * *
Declan and Connor step out onto the porch where the women have congregated. None of us are saying anything but we silently agreed not to leave anyone alone. Hours have passed, and still nothing.
The information is being held very close as the media is relentless. Social media is a shitstorm with “eye-witness” accounts that are false, and after the second false hope scenario, the Arrowood brothers shut it down.
No television.
No social media.
No phones unless it’s a call from authorities.
