Page 27 of The One for Me
“What was I going to say? Hey, buddy, I was sleeping with my married professor and got thrown out of school. Of course, it was all my fault, and I’m completely ashamed of myself.”
He releases a heavy sigh. “How the hell was it your fault? He took advantage of you. He used his position of authority to get what he wanted. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Do you hear me?”
A tear falls, and Sean wipes it away. For so long, I’ve wanted someone to say that to me. I’ve tried to see things from different angles, but all roads lead back to my being stupid, to it being my fault.
I knew that any personal relationship with my professor was wrong.
I knew that I could lose my scholarship and be tossed out of school.
There was notonebenefit to having a relationship with him.
“Don’t cry. You know I can’t handle tears. I get all nervous and freak out. So, I’m begging. No. tears.”
I smile and try not to laugh as the tears keep falling. “You’re such a guy.”
“Yeah. I definitely am.”
I do what I can to stop crying, but there’s such a sense of relief in my heart that it’s useless.
“I wanted to talk to you, but it’s been hard with us, Sean.”
He leans back a little and takes a sip of his drink. “How?”
Our friendship has shifted a lot. I’ve missed my best friend, but he’s been gone and, in a way, so have I. If I would’ve called him—he would’ve come. It wouldn’t have mattered that he was in college in Maine, his ass would’ve been on a plane to Colorado and probably beat the shit out of Christopher. However, our dynamic changed when we both left Sugarloaf. Neither of us can deny it, whether we wish it were true or not.
“When we both left for college, we knew things would be different, but I wasn’t prepared for how different they would be.”
“We were across the country from each other.”
“Yes, instead of across a few fields.”
My heart aches with how much I missed him. “After the whole affair started, it was as though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew how wrong it was. If I told you, you’d have said it was, and I didn’t want to hear it.”
Sean nods. “Yeah, I would’ve.”
“I didn’t want to disappoint you, Sean. It was the first time I didn’t have you to protect me and look at the choices I made.”
“Dev—”
“No, please let me say this,” I implore. “I had the equivalent of five brothers who wouldn’t let anyone near me. Between Jasper, you, and your brothers, I had no chance of a guy in this town even trying to talk to me. You all made it out like they were too scared, but do you have a clue how intimidating you idiots were?” He grins, and I want to slap him. “Right, so I had the first taste of what it was like to date. I was in this new place, no protectors, and a man who was great with words. I was weak and stupid and . . . God, I’m mucking this all up. I’m saying that I didn’t want you to ever think I wasn’t good enough.”
I don’t know that anything I said even makes sense, but when I think about that time, I hate myself. The girl I was isn’t who I wanted to be. Sean has put me on a pedestal and there’s a part of me that wanted to remain there. Telling him wouldn’t change anything.
Sean’s fingers tangle with mine. “I wanted you to find someone who was good enough for you.”
“I get that and I believe you, but I didn’t believe it for myself.”
“I hate that you didn’t trust me with this, Dev.”
“I do too.”
“Why him?”
How many times did I ask myself that question? A hundred. A million. Maybe more. The only thing I can come up with is an answer he won’t like. “I think it’s because I didn’t learn during high school how to weed out the assholes.”
“Newsflash. They were all assholes.”
“Including you?” I ask with a raised brow.
