Page 101 of The One for Me
“Guilt?”
Connor laughs once. “Do you not remember how we felt when Mom died?”
Declan makes a low groan and then gets to his feet. “We were so sure we killed her.”
I try to think back to that time, but it’s like walking through fog. There is so much of my childhood that I fought hard to forget. Who the hell wants to remember losing their mother and then their father beating the shit out of them? No one.
The only memories I allowed myself were ones of Mom. The way she smelled like apples and cinnamon. How she always had fresh flowers on the table, and the way her voice got just a little softer when she smiled.
“I don’t remember that,” I admit.
“Well, I do,” Declan says with an edge of sadness. “I was convinced it was something we did. Because angels don’t get cancer. They don’t get sick, and Dad was always calling us little demons before he actually believed it. I thought, we did this. We are evil so we had to be what made her sick.”
I lean back as parts of that come back. “We didn’t make Mom sick.”
Dec sits next to me. “No shit, but at eleven, I couldn’t wrap my head around that. Imagine how Austin will feel. It was his tournament they were coming home from. He’s going to feel guilt, and he’s going to need someone there who can understand that feeling.”
“Also,” Connor starts in, “Devney is a mess right now. She just lost her brother and her entire life has shifted. You shouldn’t take to heart whatever she says for the next week or so. Let her work through what she’s feeling, and then you guys can make a plan.”
He’s right. I know it, but by the way she was talking at the hospital, it was pretty clear that she has already decided this is the end. Fear can make you think and say things, but she isn’t the type to change her mind once she’s settled. Which is the part that has me so concerned.
Chapter Thirty-One
Devney
“Where are you going to take him?” Mom asks as we wait outside Austin’s room.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you taking him back to his house or to Sean’s?”
I haven’t gotten that far. Sydney came by earlier and got all the paperwork together that I have to sign, giving me full custody of Austin. I sat there, looking at it, trying to read it all through my tears, and then wrote my name on the line. It felt so impersonal and so final.
Here I am, a parent to the child I gave up.
I keep waiting for all of this to make sense, but it doesn’t.
Austin is going to live with me, but I don’t have a house. I’m going to have to be his mother—or rather, his aunt who is actually his mother only he doesn’t know that.
Why does this all have to be so damn complicated?
“Well?” Mom presses.
“I don’t know.”
“Devney, you have to make these decisions.”
I release a heavy breath and rub my temples. “I know. I wanted to see the paperwork to see what Jasper or Hazel wanted, but all it said was that I would make the best choices and they had no requests. So, I don’t know where he will want to go. If he wants to go back to his house, I’ll move in there. If he wants to go to Sean’s and not be surrounded by all their things, I’ll do that.”
She looks to the window where the blinds are barely open. “He needs stability.”
“I’m aware.”
“He can come to us. I know why you’re the one they chose, but your father and I can give him more.”
I’m not doing this. “Mom. Stop.”
Her eyes meet mine. “I’m only thinking of him.”
