Page 70 of Fight for Me
His suit forms perfectly to him, giving him an air of authority that makes me weak in the knees. There’s a dusting of whiskers along his strong jawline, which adds to the appeal. His eyes are soft and a little somber. Yet, I know he’s happy for his brother. Connor has pushed past his fears and loves Ellie with a ferocity that rivals any love story.
Declan’s one hand is splayed against my back, holding me tightly to him, while his other hand clasps mine and tucks it between our chests. He moves just enough so we aren’t standing still, but I can feel a strong pulse between us.
It feels as though the dance we shared at the concert was just the beginning of the song we’re creating the harmony to in this moment. Right now, we’re building to something. I can feel it in my bones, and it terrifies me.
Our eyes are on each other’s, both asking questions and searching for the answers.
“It’s like prom again,” I say, needing to break the silence.
He smiles and shakes his head. “I’d like to think we’ve grown up some.”
“Maybe, but I remember feeling this nervousness with you back then too.”
That night, I knew I would give myself to him. It was all planned, and we both tried to make it through the night without making a scene. I loved him with my entire heart, and I wanted him to have my body too.
We made love, which was exactly what it was for us—love.
“I remember wanting to throw you over my shoulder and take you to the barn. I had that hay bed made and was desperate for you.”
“Well, maybe it’s nothing like prom,” I say, trying to joke.
“No, I think it’s exactly like prom. Only now I know what it feels like to love you, to kiss you, and to hold you in my arms, knowing that nothing else will ever come close to what we share.”
I look away, not wanting to hear this.
“Declan ...”
“I know,” he says quickly. “I know all of it. I know I hurt you. I know I don’t deserve to touch you or breathe the same air as you, but tonight, Sydney, I can’t stop it. You’re so beautiful. All I could do all day was watch you, wish I were a better man and that I was marrying you tonight.” I close my eyes, holding back tears. “You have no idea ...”
“No idea?” I ask with a laugh. “Do you think I wasn’t picturing the same thing? Do you know how badly my heart is breaking as I look at you and know that if you’d just trusted me, we could’ve figured out a way—together.”
“You don’t—”
“No. You don’t, Declan. You don’t understand how my soul is calling out for you. I want you. I want you more than anything, and I can never have you.”
He shakes his head, still holding me close. “You are the only person who has ever had me.”
“Had. I don’t want past tense. I want you—all of you. I want the broken parts and the loving parts, the ones that are afraid of me and the ones that will fight for me.”
“Those parts that you want?” He breathes heavily, eyes filled with heartbreak. “They’re not worthy.”
“Okay then,” I say, unwilling to keep doing this.
“Okay?”
“Yes.”
Declan’s arms tighten just a bit. “What are you saying?”
My heart is beating so fast, my stomach doing flips and I let the fight go. “I’m not going to keep pushing you anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t make you try or see sense. We’re both standing here, right now, wanting and needing each other.”
“Sydney, it’s …”
“No, it’s the truth.” There is resignation and sadness in each word. He might be battling, but I’ve already tried. I’ve failed. I’m waving the white banner and accepting defeat. “I needed you to fight, Declan. I wanted and begged you to fight for me. For us. For the love we share and the life that we could have, but you won’t, and I can’t make you. I love you, but it’s time for me to accept that we won’t be.” I move my hands to his face. His beautiful face that I can see when I close my eyes. I brush my thumb against his cheek. “I have a lot that I need to say, but not here and not now. Today is for your brother.”
“What are you saying?”
My throat is tight as I stare at him. “You don’t have to fight anymore, Declan. I see it all now and I’m so sorry that I’ve pushed you these last few months. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you. I thought that if I could make you fight …”
