Page 67 of Fight for Me
I groan, knowing this won’t end until she says her piece. “Spit it out.”
“Fine. You could stay. You don’t need to sell the farm. I said it before, and I mean it, Declan will be gone in a few months. Why do you need to move?”
“Because it’s too hard!”
“What is? He’s been fine. You guys aren’t fighting and you haven’t been holed up inside your house just to avoid him. Hell, if you didn’t want to see him, all you would have to do is just ... tell him to go away when you’re coming around. I feel like there’s something more you don’t want to tell me, which isnotlike you.”
There is so much more. Sierra didn’t help, and now, Devney isn’t either. It’s all so much weighing on me, and I can’t take it. I feel as though I’m breaking apart and no one understands.
“It’s too much! I love him, Dev. I love him, and I can’t keep walking around where we should be, you know? Like, I see the barn and think about how we made love there. I can’t even go to the fucking pond. Everything at that place reminds me of him.”
“Why is it so much worse now?” Her voice is tender, and there’s a bit of understanding there.
“He’s always been everywhere, but now that I’ve been around him again, I know that when he leaves, I’ll have to feel that loss again. All that we could’ve been will be back in full force, and I won’t be able to pretend anymore. I’ve done it for so long, but I won’t be able to go back to that.”
She touches her hand to her chest and nods. “I understand. I hate to see you go. I wish I could do something—anything—to make it easier for you. I wish I could go with you, Syd, but … I can’t.”
I bounce at the idea. “Why can’t you? We could start over.”
Her lips part and she exhales. “There are things that I can’t leave.”
“Like what?”
Devney smiles softly. “My family is here.”
I shake my head. It’s no big secret that Devney can’t stand her family. She and her mother are constantly fighting. She went away to college and I was shocked when she came back. I thought for sure she’d stay out there. “Dev …”
“Look, I can’t go. I have things that are important to me here. And so do you, Sydney. I don’t want you to have regrets.”
That’s what I fear most. I don’t think it’ll happen right away. I’ll be close to my sister and family, and they’ll help me through it. I know I won’t be alone. It’s down the road when the baby is older and wants to know about the farm or Declan that I worry about.
Although, who knows what’ll happen when I tell Declan. He may be glad to have me farther away since he’s made it clear that children and a life with me isn’t what he wants. He can go back to New York and live his life, and I’ll take care of everything else.
Then there’s the possibility that he’ll want to be a part of it. I just don’t know what to do, but I have to make choices and then deal with it. If Declan wants to be a part of the baby’s life, of course, I’d encourage it. It just doesn’t mean I have to stay here. At least in a new place, it won’t be the past haunting me.
“Sydney?” Devney breaks through my thoughts.
“Sorry, yeah, I don’t either, but I worry I’ll regret not doing what I can to preserve the rest of my heart.”
Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “Well, you have a big decision to make, I hope you’re happy no matter what you choose. I know all too well how hard it is to live with your choices.”
She leaves the room, and I lean back, pushing away from the desk. My hand rests on my belly, and I wonder about the life inside me.
There are so many unknowns. All of then hang on what will happen when I finally tell Declan, which I still have to do. My ultrasound is in less than a week, and it’s time for us to face our future, whatever it may be.
All of this is weighing me down, and I’m tired.
I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to conceal my pregnancy either. I’m out of the first trimester, which is what all the books say is the dangerous period of a pregnancy. There’re no more reasons to avoid telling him.
“I think we should sell the farm and go where we’re wanted,” I say down at my stomach. “It’ll be hard, but we’ll have your aunt and grandma close. I can’t stay here, as much as I want to.” A tear slips down my cheek. “I love your daddy so much, little one. I would give anything for him to choose us, but I don’t think he will.”
With that thought in mind, I send an email back to Milo, telling him I’m going to accept the offer.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sydney
“You look absolutely gorgeous,” I tell Ellie as I stand back to look at her. She’s truly glowing. The sun is just starting to fall behind the tree line, and Connor is out there waiting for her.
