Page 60 of Fight for Me
“She would’ve wanted you to be free, Declan.”
“How?”
There’s so much beneath that one word. Years of hatred, self-doubt, and sadness for the things he’s endured. If I didn’t know his pain as well as I know my own, it would be so easy to hate him for breaking my heart.
I’ve tried over the years to blame him wholly for walking away from me. There was so much effort put into wishing to see only my own struggles, but I always saw that Declan was struggling too. He had to be. Regardless of what we said that day, I knew him, and in my soul, I knew that whatever he was doing, he believed was right.
Not that it eased my broken heart, but it made it so that I could stifle the pain.
Without pause, I reach for his hand.
He laces our fingers together, palms kissing as though it were always meant to be this way. Two souls whose fathers destroyed them, search for comfort in one another. Here, between us, I find the peace I’ve been without for years.
I could tell him what he wants to hear, but I won’t. Not because I don’t want to console him, I do, but because I know there is no consolation because the pain is there.
“He’s gone, Declan. He’s gone, and you’re not. There’s no answer to your question because the only man who could tell you—can’t. And ...” I pause, trying to think of the right way to say it. “And there’s nothing he could say that would ever make it okay. What he did to you, Sean, Jacob, and Connor was horrific and wrong and unforgivable. But she wouldn’twantyou to live like this.”
He finally meets my gaze, and even though I can’t see his eyes through the darkness, I feel him in my core.
This is why I should’ve stayed away. This deep feeling of being exposed and open to him is what scares me.
Declan squeezes my hand and then leans his head down. Our foreheads touch, and I can do nothing but breathe.
“Why, Syd? Why after all this time?”
My hands lift, resting on his chest, needing the feel of his heartbeat to anchor me to this earth. His question leaves me feeling as though I’m floating.
Only, I don’t know what he’s asking.
“Why what?”
“Why do you make me feel this way? Why does being near you ...” His hands grip my hips, pulling me closer to him. “Why does it make me feel so lost and so found at the same time?”
Maybe it’s the darkness and the dance we shared.
Maybe it’s my insane pregnancy hormones.
Maybe it’s because I want him more than anything but am too selfish to give him the easy road.
All I want is him. Us. This closeness and understanding.
“Because we’re still searching for what we lost.” Declan sucks in a breath. “I’ve been lonely and lost for a long time. I’ve waited and hoped for you to come back because I’ve needed you. Now that you have, I feel it even more. You were my best friend. My person. My heart and the other part of my soul.” My lip quivers, and I hate myself for saying this, but it’s in my heart. I can’t hold back anymore. “But you won’t give me you back, will you?”
His heavy breathing flows between us, and the silence is all the confirmation I need. “Not because I don’t want you or because you aren’t everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t give myself back to you because you’re the sun, stars, and the air I breathe. You’re everything, and I can never be more than the shell I am now.”
I bring my hands up to his chest, needing him to really hear me just this once. “That’s where you’re wrong,” I say, feeling less brave than my voice sounds. “You just are too afraid to fight for me.”
His fingertips brush against my lips. “This is me fighting for you. Go, Sydney. Go before we make a mistake we can’t undo.”
Tears fill my vision, making his face blur away. They fall, cascading down my cheeks, and the pain of his rejection shreds me. “We could never be a mistake.”
Declan wipes the tears from my cheeks and then takes a step back. “You and I both know what our future is. I’ll go back to New York, and you’re moving closer to your sister. Go, Syd.”
And then I do what I should’ve done when I saw him standing here ... I walk away. Because there’s nothing I can do to change his mind, there is no hope for anything between us, and my heart can’t possibly endure another shot by an Arrowood.
Chapter Nineteen
Sydney
