Page 26 of Fight for Me
Only that isn’t what happened. He didn’t make sure of anything when we had sex. He didn’t wear a condom, and apparently, the .01% chance of my birth control failing decided that was it’s night.
“He might feel different once he knows,” she offers after a few minutes of digesting what I said.
“I don’t care if he does or doesn’t. I won’t ever let my kid know what it feels like to be unwanted and unloved.”
“So you’re not going to tell him?”
My head falls back, and I look at the ceiling. “I wish I could do that, but I can’t. Not to mention, it’ll be pretty hard to keep him from noticing my giant pregnant belly.”
She laughs without humor. “No shit.”
“You’re the only person I’ve told.”
She pulls her long brown hair back and then over her shoulder, the nervous gesture she’s had since we were kids. Then she squares her shoulders a bit. “Okay, and then what is your plan?”
Sierra usually gives me the best advice and has always been the person I go to when things are just too much for me. She has a way of telling me the truth or forcing me to see it myself, which is what I need from her more than ever.
“I’m going to go to the doctor to verify the pregnancy, make sure everything is okay, and then I’ll tell him.”
“And after that?”
After that? Who the fuck knows. Maybe I’ll have an epiphany, but at this point, I have no plan.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you want?”
My eyes fill with tears, and I hate the weakness they bring. What I want isn’t even possible. I wanted to be married to Declan and for this to be the thing we’d always dreamed of. That isn’t what this is, though.
Instead, I’m having a baby out of wedlock, with a man who doesn’t want the baby or me, and that man believes I’m dating someone else.
Yeah, I’m a walking episode of Jerry Springer. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but I feel close enough.
My sister waits as I wipe at my cheeks, removing the errant beads of moisture that fell. “I want him to fight for me, which will never happen.”
Sierra’s lips form into a frown and then she sighs. “Then maybe you should finally leave him behind.”
“And how exactly do I do that?”
“Maybe it’s time to sell the farm and leave Sugarloaf like you almost did five years ago.”
Chapter Nine
Sydney
I’m sitting in my car, staring at the tiny thing on this photo that is supposed to be a baby. It doesn’t look like one, that’s for sure, but the doctor assured me that it is, in fact, a baby. Or it will be once it makes its debut into the world.
I’m really pregnant, which has been confirmed by a medical professional, and I have his or her first version of a selfie in my hand.
In all my life, I never thought I’d be a single mother. I don’t know why, but I figured since I don’t really have sex that often that it wasn’t something I had to worry about. Also, because I’ve been living my life in slow motion. I didn’t see it until Sierra pointed it out, but now it’s so clear to me that I’ve been waiting for Declan to return. Five years ago, a great law firm approached me and offered me a shot at making partner. It wasn’t a sure thing, I would have had to earn it, but the opportunity was there. It would have meant more money, bigger cases, and the chance to make changes in a meaningful way. I turned it down.
I grappled with selling the farm and the memories it holds. I couldn’t imagine leaving and going where he couldn’t find me.
I was a fool.
But I’m not anymore. I don’t have the luxury to be one now that I’m going to be someone’s mother.
God help us all.
