Page 22 of Fight for Me
Declan
Married and a baby. Jesus, could he have at least waited a bit? I know he loves Ellie, and it’s clear they’re great for each other, but it seems so damn fast.
“You can wipe that look off your face,” Connor says as he hands me a beer. “No one is asking you to follow in my footsteps.”
I take the bottle and raise the neck to his. “Here’s to that.”
“What?”
“That I won’t be following in your footsteps.”
He chuckles once and then takes a long pull from the beer. After releasing a deep breath, he goes silent for a few moments. We sit on the porch of the house that holds such a fucking host of memories. Some good, some bad, some I would give anything to forget.
“You know we’re nothing like him, right?”
The question causes me to sit straighter. “Who?”
“Dad. We’re nothing like him. We’re not cruel, heartless—well, you might be heartless, I’ve yet to figure that out.”
“Funny.”
Connor shrugs. “I’m just saying that the vow we all made was meant to protect not only us but also the women we might have loved and kids we may have fathered. I have never raised my fists in anger, not even if I drank too much. We are nothing like him.”
He can’t know that. He might be nothing like him, but I’m not so sure. I get angry. I’ve wanted to throw someone through a wall, and that scared me more than anything. I never did it, but I’ve seen rage.
“I’ll never take the chance.”
“So, you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone and pissed off?”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’ll be rich, happy, uncomplicated, and still worrying about my three brothers and their shitty life choices.”
I glance through the window, seeing Sydney and Ellie laughing about something, and my chest tightens. Why does seeing her hurt so fucking much? After all this time, I would’ve hoped to be over her, but then how do you really get over losing the only thing you ever wanted?
She’s beautiful, even more so than she was when we were teenagers. Her hair falls in waves down to the middle of her back, and her blue eyes are even brighter than I remembered. I would give anything to go back in time and have her the way I used to.
Sydney was free in her love. She didn’t hold back or make me work for it. She gave it away. I wasn’t worthy of it, but God, I took all of it.
“She could forgive you, you know?” Connor says as he notices where my eyes landed.
“No.”
“You could also forgive yourself, but we both know that’s not going to happen.”
“When did you become a fucking shrink?” I toss back at him, wanting to stop this conversation.
He laughs and then drains his beer. “You know, I know you’re the older one and supposed to be wiser, but you’re the dumb one.”
I get to my feet, glaring at my younger brother. “Dumb? I’m dumb? I’m the one who saved your ass over and over again. I’m the one who doesn’t have anything in the world I’m worried about losing.”
“And you think that makes you better? I’ll tell you, Dec, there’s nothing in this life like having someone by your side and kids. Nothing. We’re not the sins of our past, but we spent eight years living there.”
He’s unreal. He finds Ellie and suddenly thinks all of us can just go back to a life we were never meant to have? It isn’t that easy. Eight years ago, I gave up everything for them. I walked away from Sydney to protect not only my brothers but also her.
I knew I could never stay here. I don’t want a farm life or anything like this. Maybe if I hadn’t spent time in New York, I could’ve found a way, but when I went to college, I changed. I saw the world was ripe with possibilities, ones that didn’t have shit to do with cows and land. I found that I was smart and could run a business without anyone’s fucking help.
I did it all.
There are too many nights I work late. Too many weeks where I’m inundated with fires I need to put out, and I never could have handled any of that if I were with her.
