Page 81 of All I Ask
Because I’m going to someday.
I feel like he’s pulling my heart from my chest. How can this house be causing me so much discomfort? It’s a house. It’s just a fucking house.
But it’s more.
“Because.” That’s all I can get out.
He turns to the Realtor. “This is the house. I’d like to make an offer.”
“But, Dr. Hartz, you don’t even—” The Realtor tries to speak, but Derek turns to me.
“Tea?” His gaze is intent. “Do you need to go inside?”
“No.”
“Why?” he asks with a knowing smile.
This can’t be real. “Because I know.”
Derek slowly nods his head and grins. “As do I.”
How can he know this house is right? How can he possibly feel what I’m feeling when I see this home? It doesn’t make sense, but then again, nothing has ever been anything but strange with us.
He turns to the Realtor again. “We need a few minutes.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I know she’s left us. He takes my hand, pulling me closer. We walk the pathway, up to the porch. My fingers touch the pillars and glide along the banister. There’s a swing at the end, facing a huge old oak tree that stands beside the house.
We sit down, my hand still in his.
My eyes meet his and he smiles. “Sometimes I feel like I can still see in your heart and head. There are times when it feels so natural.”
“And times when it doesn’t…”
“Yeah, but the times I can”—Derek sighs—“it’s like coming home.”
It’s this house, that’s what’smaking him say these things. It has to be, because the way he’s looking at me it’s as though he’s seeing into my soul.
I don’t want to cry, but I can’t stop the tear that forms. No matter how I’m trying to deny what I want, it’s there. Derek may have been absent from my life, but never from my heart. “It scares me.”
He watches me, seeming to grapple with something before he answers. “Me too.”
“I can’t handle it if you were to cut me off again. Not if I let you in this time.”
Derek’s thumb grazes the top of my hand. “I can’t walk away from you again, Tea. I don’t think I have it in me.”
There are no guarantees he can give me and I would be stupid to think otherwise. “You say that now, but we’re not exactly in the best position to make promises.”
We have things that are against us becoming close again. Everly and Chastity being the biggest.
“I’m not making promises, but I’m not going to spend the rest of my life waiting. I can’t just sit around and hope that things come to me. I did enough of that in my past. I felt something the other night. It was there the first time I saw you again. I feel it now, sitting here, looking at houses with you. If you think there’s nothing between us—you’re lying to yourself.”
Avoidance is a beautiful thing until it’s taken away. There are no veils of lies I can hide behind right now. He’s forcing me to be honest with myself and I would’ve much preferred not to. I don’t want to go back and feel all that hurt again. I’ve done what I can to move on from it and while we may be some version of friends, my heart is still made of glass with a crack in it. One bump or careless touch and it’ll shatter.
“Why this house, Derek?” I ask, feeling raw and vulnerable.
“Because it’s right. I know you see it. I want to stop second-guessing and fighting back something that’s clearly perfect for me.”
I shake my head because I’m not sure we’re talking about the house. All of this is making my emotions a jumbled mess. He’s saying everything that I’ve wanted, and yet the fear is crippling me from taking a chance. Anytime that I’ve allowed myself this sliver of hope, I’ve had it torn away. The hurt of losing, failing, and being alone has handcuffed me in some ways.
