Page 6 of All I Ask
God forbid she doesn’t act the waymy motherthinks she should.
“She’s fine. Chastity is a wonderful kid with fantastic grades. She’s happy, smart, respectful, and I’m glad she’s nothing like me at that age.”
Now it’s her turn to look horrified. To her, I was everything she ever wanted in a daughter. My popularity furthered hers at that time. People thought she had some secret as to why I was “perfect” and sought her out for advice all the time.
Except I was far from perfect.
“You had your chance, Teagan Berkeley. You had everything right there in front of you and then, I don’t know what happened.”
“Why do we do this, Mom?” I ask with sadness in my voice. “Why do we always go back to this? You just got home and instead of us catching up about what happened while you were away, you showing me photos, telling me that you’re happy to see me, we’re arguing about twenty years’ worth of shit?”
I watch the fight drain from her. Neither of us want this animosity between us, but it feels like it’s all we know. “I just want you to be happy. I want Chastity to have the life that you could have had. That’s all.”
“I’m glad that she’s not boy crazy or trying to fit in with the popular kids, because those popular kids grew up and are still mean. They stayed in this town, where it’s safe and they’re loved by all. None of those girls are making a difference in the world, and you know what? I want that for Chastity. I want her to go, live, experience, and be passionate and happy. I will do everything I can to make sure she doesn’t end up like me.”
“You had friends. You were happy.”
“And look at me now!”
Mom rubs her forehead. “A lot of this was your doing, sweetheart.”
As though Keith wasn’t an active participant in the whole thing. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve never asked him to give up a career in football, money, or his freedom because I got pregnant. If I had understood what he needed, I could be married and raising a child, but I didn’t do that.
Me, me, me. It’s always me. Women don’t exactly make a baby on their own, but we’re sure expected to deal with the consequences.
“Right, Mom. All my fault.”
“Yes, Teagan, I think some of it was your fault. You had a baby, but then you could’ve had a life. You made Keith sign away his rights, and that left you here—in this town you despise so much. You made your bed, so to speak, now you choose to lie in it.”
Her thoughts on all of this will never change as long as I continue to keep the truth of what happened to myself. I could make all this stop, but to protect Chastity, I keep my mouth shut. The worst part is that I can’t fight back too hard, because if she ever wants us out, I’m screwed. I can’t afford to lose my job or my home.
“I wish I didn’t disappoint you so much, Mom. I really do. I’m trying, and maybe someday you’ll see things differently and see the woman I’m raising, even if she doesn’t fit into your mold.”
“I’m not saying that.” She tries to soften her tone. “I want Chastity to have a life outside of books and animals as well. She needs real people who converse back with her. I want her to have love like I have with your father. She could be happy living here, just like I am. I want her to have more.”
No matter what my mom thinks of me, she loves Chastity. She’s her first, and probably only, grandchild and she’s nothing like me or even her. My mother was the homecoming queen, captain of everything, and ruled the school. She met my father, they married, and lived the small-town life. It fit for her. She’s truly happy with her life, but she doesn’t understand that people—that Chastity and I—might want more.
“She has us.”
My mother nods. “She does.”
“Believe me, Mom, that girl is going to do big things. We just have to let her find her way.”
She smiles, touches my arm. “I believe you, honey. It’s my job to worry, you understand that?”
There is a part of me that gets it. I worry constantly about Chastity. I worry I’m not giving her enough, loving her as much as I should, or that I’m not able to provide the opportunities she needs.
Could my mother be right? Maybe by not pushing her to be social I’m screwing her up. God, I hope not.
“I do understand. Does the pit in my stomach ever go away?”
Mom shakes her head. “Never. I worry about you all the time too. I worry you won’t find someone and all I want is to see you happily married to someone who will help take care of you.”
“I don’t need anyone to take care of me.” My voice sounds much stronger than I feel. I may not need it, but it would be nice.
Mom sighs, turns her head with a frustrated sigh. “We all need someone, Teagan. Love is the most basic need. I had hoped…I thought maybe Keith and you would be forever, like your father and I were.”
“Keith was never my forever,” I say with defiance.
