Page 47 of All I Ask
I get to the shoreline, tossing my supplies on the blanket, and sit.
With my eyes closed, I grab a color.
Blue.
How appropriate, since I’m feeling quite blue.
As soon as I dip the paint, my world shifts. I’m transported to where I can just…be.
The color glides against the canvas, creating another variation of the ocean I always paint.
Each time, the hues are different, the lights shining off the water in a different way, but the perspective is always the same.
I’m in the ocean, looking at the shore, wondering where in this great big world I fit.
I don’t know how long I’m here. Time is irrelevant, but the sun is setting and the air is chilling.
“We have to stop running into each other this way.” Derek’s voice a little way back causes me to jump.
Shit. I quickly try to clean up what I was doing. There are only two people in the world who know I paint…Chastity and Nina. It’s something that’s mine and I’ve never wanted to share it. I dump the paints and dirty brush in the bag. “I was here first.”
He’s at the beginning of the dunes and it’ll take him maybe thirty seconds to get here. I get the bulk of things put away, but I don’t know what to do with the canvas. I really love the blues and purples in this one and don’t want to ruin it and yet I don’t want him to see it.
I turn my head and see him closer than I thought. Jesus, is he running?
I stand, put the canvas against my knees, and wrap my blanket around me, hoping it doesn’t completely screw it up.
“You were here first, but you were always good about sharing.”
“It’s a big beach, you know?”
“I do.”
“And yet you keep finding the exact spot I’m at.” I purse my lips, wondering why that is. I specifically chose a little farther down the shore for this reason. I truly wanted solitude and to just…paint.
Right now, my emotions are too raw and close to the surface to be around anyone.
“Maybe I was looking for you…”
So many freaking times I wanted to hear that or something like that. I wanted him to find me, fix me, love me, but he never did.
It was stupid and immature, but when it came to Derek, I hoped, because he always came through for me.
“And why would you be looking for me?”
“Because I figure the more times I see you, the less awkward it will be.”
I nod once. “Well, okay then.”
Not sure that it’ll ever be that way, but we can hope. Our lives were on a course, and then we took a detour, but never ended up back on the same road. I don’t know that our friendship can be salvaged, which is sad, since he’s still the best friend I ever had. Even though Nina is a close second, it’s not the same.
“Truth?” he asks after a second.
“Always.”
Derek runs his hand through his hair, which used to be his nervous habit. “I’m struggling.”
My chest aches because I don’t like to see him hurting. “I’m sorry.”
