Page 43 of All I Ask
Now it’s my turn to be pissed off. “You had plenty of chances.”
“When? When you told me about Meghan and that you were already in love with her? Or maybe when you were dating someone before her? Or what about right after I found out I was pregnant? No, none of those times worked because I would’ve been the worst person alive to have told you. I would’ve destroyed everything that made you happy. What would that have made me?”
“The person who loved me enough to tell me!”
The real answer is…hers. It would’ve made me hers. I’m livid. I’m not just angry she didn’t tell me. I’m pissed off at everything and everyone. I’m mad because if Meghan didn’t die, I wouldn’t be hearing this. I’m angry because if I could handle Everly and my dad wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t be here.
Then I could’ve spared us all of this hurt—again.
She crosses her arms over her stomach. “No, I loved you enough to let you be happy and not fuck your head up. I stood by your side at your wedding, wishing it was me in front of you. I wanted to beg you so many times to love me, but that would’ve been unkind. I didn’t think you felt the same and I wasn’t going to risk everything we had, not when I needed you.”
Now it’s my turn to step back. My jaw falls slack at her confession. “I never thought…”
“I wouldn’t let you. So you want to know why it hurt so much last night? Because after all these years of imagining you telling me you felt this way, I find out that it was a way for you to resent me. As if I ever did anything to deserve your hostility.” Teagan takes a step closer with unshed tears in her eyes, but they don’t fall. “I did everything to protect you so that I wouldn’t lose you. Having you as my best friend, even if I loved you more than you would ever know, was more important to me.”
“I didn’t want to lose you,” I tell her as I move closer. “I never wanted that.”
“You were the one who walked away.”
“I had no choice.”
“There’s always a choice, Derek. In fact, it wasyouwho told me that. You chose to marry Meghan and that’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay. I did choose Meghan. I had to. I loved her, and she was my wife. That was the hand I was dealt and chose to play. I couldn’t fold and I wasn’t allowed to draw.
“What would you have done if you were me?”
A tear runs down her cheek. “I would’ve done what felt right, which, knowing you, is what you did. You had a family to think about, and I’m not angry at that. I get it. I wished so many times that someone would choose me.”
“So you’re upset that I chose Meghan?”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s not about Meghan.”
“Then what’s it about?”
Teagan looks like she’s at war with herself. “Everything. I went through hell, Derek. I have never felt more alone than I did after you cut me off. I had my parents, which was actually worse than being alone. The town judged me—still does most days. Then there was the fact that I had this baby I didn’t know how to take care of. I was so scared. I had to go through this court hearing to relinquish Keith’s paternal rights. Can you imagine how crippling all that was?”
No one ever saw the amazing person she was, even in her faults. I did though. I run my hand through my hair, pacing. I know all of this and the guilt I felt was monumental. She counted on me and I walked away. “It wasn’t easy for me to let you go! I didn’t want you to go through any of that. I would’ve been there. I would…I should’ve…I didn’t want any of it!”
“But I did do it alone! And somehow, I survived, but none of what I endured held a candle to the amount of hurt I felt at losing you. In a matter of a few months I losteverything. My life, college, my parents were so angry, Keith was selfish, and then…the only person in the world I loved and I knew would love me…was gone. So when you ask me why that hurt me so much…I’m hurt that you loving me cost me the only thing I cared about. I lost you because you fell in love with me. Once again, I destroyed my own happiness, without even knowing it.”
Teagan deserves so much more than she’ll ever know. “You didn’t lose me because I fell in love with you, and you didn’t destroy anything, Teagan. I did.”
She huffs and wipes the tears under her eyes. “That’s not true. The minute you realized you loved me is the minute I lost you. But the thing is, I had a part in it too! I loved you so much and I let you go. I did it for you. I watched you walk away and I was too afraid to stop you. We are both culpable.”
We both fall quiet. The room is charged with so much emotion it’s hard to breathe. How far we’ve fallen…
Once upon a time she and I were envied by many. I don’t know that anyone would look at us now and hope to become what we are to each other.
Feeling sad that this is the current state of things, I confess my own shame. “There were so many times that I wished I never wrote those words down. If I had kept my feelings to myself, nothing would’ve changed. I could’ve been there for you and we could’ve gone on without anyone knowing.” Admitting the words aloud for the first time is difficult. I’ve thought them, plenty of times, but never allowed myself to speak them.
Teagan releases a heavy sigh. “It would’ve happened at some point.”
I look at her, surprised that she would say that. “What would’ve?”
“One of us would’ve said it. We never kept secrets before, I don’t know how we managed to do it with something this important.” Teagan moves toward me, and for the first time since I showed up, she’s not filled with apprehension. “I never would’ve put you in a position to choose me or Meghan because you should’ve—and would’ve—picked her. So, I would’ve sat back, watching you live and love her, hating it, wishing it was me. And if the truth did reveal itself, I would’ve denied it, not wanting to ruin your life. Maybe…I don’t know.”
“Maybe it was for the best?” I finish her thought.
