Page 30 of All I Ask
My back straightens and I eye him curiously. “Why not?”
“Because I knew you’d come. I knew that if you thought I needed you, even with me being an ass the last time we talked, that you’d be there for me. Isn’t that ridiculous? That I would rather suffer than have had you comfort me?”
There’s nothing I can say. The tears that don’t fall from his eyes descend from mine. It hurts to know that he didn’t want me there. I loved him, sure, more than I should’ve, but I would never have hurt him. I kept my mouth shut, dealt with standing beside him during that fucking wedding, and never said a word.
I struggled so he wouldn’t.
And he’d kept his wife’s death a secret.
“What did I do to you that was so wrong?” I blurt out. “What did I ever do, Derek? Because I don’t understand how thirteen years ago you could walk out, and never tell me why.”
I didn’t plan to say anything, but small talk will only go for so long. There are big issues between us, and while I wish we could pretend things didn’t happen, wish we could sweep them under the rug and ignore what happened in the past…we can’t.
I can see that he’s either not ready or can’t say what he’s thinking, and I really don’t feel like playing this game.
I muster the courage to speak first. “We need to talk about this.”
“Yeah, it probably would make things a little less awkward.” His foot carves a line in the sand, the water rushing over and flooding it. “It’s funny how things happen. You dig the hole only to have the space you thought you made fill right back up.”
I stay quiet because I’m not sure if this is going to relate back to us or if he’s just talking.
Derek continues after a moment. “You can’t stop it or control any of it, it just…happens. Which is sort of how I feel about the way things went down with us.”
“You couldn’t stop it?” I ask.
“I couldn’t control it.”
I shake my head while releasing a heavy breath. “You’re talking in riddles.”
“Meghan.”
The single word hangs out there.
“Meghan?”
Derek takes a step back, allowing more space between us, and although he’s only moved a few inches it feels like miles to me. He takes a deep breath.
“Meghan found my journal.”
Chapter Eleven
Derek
Twenty-two years old
“We’ve only been married two months, Derek! How can you be so unhappy?” Meghan asks with tears streaming down her face.
I wish I could tell her the truth, but that would be intentionally cruel.
Meghan hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s been a great wife and she was a good girlfriend. We’ve had our spats and arguments—mostly over Teagan—but we’ve found a way through it.
But the last two months have been hard. I’m trying to be a good husband, give her the support she needs, especially since she’s four months pregnant, and yet…I’m failing.
I’m torn between driving up to see Teagan and being here for Meghan.
Because ever since I found out Teagan was pregnant, I realized: I’m madly in love with her.
Since the night it hit me, three days after my wedding when I was staring at my new wife, wishing she was Teagan, I can’t look at myself. I hate myself more than I can express. I married Meghan in spite of what I thought I felt for Teagan. I love Meghan, but there was this moment when I was looking at Teagan, wishing it was my child she was carrying.
