Page 21 of All I Ask
We’d talked about kindness in the face of cruelty although the other side of me, the mama-bear side, is proud of her. She stood up for herself.
Still, she hadn’t exactly acted like the child I raised her to be.
“I’m just…processing.”
“It was a lot today, huh?”
I look at Nina. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you forgive me? I mean really forgive me for how I treated you in high school?”
Nina places her glass down. “Why would you ask that?”
Because I was a wretched bitch and I hate myself for it. I wish I could go back in time, change how I was and what I thought was acceptable behavior. There’s no excuse and if I were her, I would never be nice to me. Let alone be friends with me.
“We both know I wasn’t a good person.”
“You weren’t a bad person either. You were just around people who didn’t bring out the best in you, but you weren’t mean to me.”
I huff. “Yeah, okay.”
“You weren’t! You didn’t purposely go out of your way to be a bitch.”
“But I was a bitch and now Chastity is saying shitty things that remind me all too much of myself.”
“Now you’re being silly.” Nina rolls her eyes. “That girl doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. And I’m sorry, but what Derek’s daughter said to her warranted a response. She doesn’t know you or what you’ve been through and why say it? It was meant to provoke. Chastity is kind and didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”
I agree with her, but it’s still hard to see her getting in trouble for something even a little like I did. My regretregarding how I treated Nina and others is something I struggle with to this day.
“Still, I was not a great person and I want to say I’m sorry—again. I’m so sorry.”
Nina and I have had this talk many times. I know I’m not the same person I was back then. Not even close, and she’s over it, but there’s still times I feel her holding back. I don’t blame her. I wish I had a way to make it up to her. I should’ve never listened to my friends back then. I called her names and I’m not proud of my behavior.
I didn’t really change until I became friends with Derek.
“Stop apologizing, Tea. We were kids. You were not even half as mean as Lori or Kelly were. Those girls I’d like to see tarred and feathered, but you were kind.”
“When no one was looking.”
“You’re so upset with yourself at sixteen. The bigger question isn’t whether I’ve forgiven you.” Nina pauses, waiting for me to look at her. “It’s whether you’ve forgiven yourself.”
“I don’t know that I ever can.”
She touches my arm. “Then my forgiveness, which I granted you a million years ago, means nothing. None of us are like that anymore. It would be ridiculous to hold on to all that for this long. Plus, you’ve atoned for your mistakes, don’t you think?”
“Just…it feels like time is going in reverse.”
“Because Derek is back?”
That’s probably exactly why. I see him and now I’m thrown back in time. How we would sneak out, hang out at the beach for hours talking about a future neither of us ever lived.
Derek made me believe I was good.
He made it sound so easy to leave behind the parts of myself I didn’t like. When I was with him, I felt…real.
I didn’t have to hide my fears because he didn’t make me.
