Page 16 of Come Back for Me
His uncle and aunt were wonderful people who he inherited the farm from after they passed. Without them, we would have even less than we have now. Not that this is what I ever wanted. I had dreams. Ones that included me living back in upstate New York, working on a vineyard. That’s why I was attending Penn State for business.
But then everything changed.
My parents were killed right around the time Kevin inherited the farm and . . . here I am.
I’m grateful for the farm, though, it gives us income and stability. Not to mention it’s fully paid off, so we didn’t inherit any debt with it. Of course, I don’t see a penny of what we make because Kevin has disallowed me access to anything.
I have no idea how wealthy or poor we are. It’s another way for him to control me.
But I have my own income now.
Kevin has no idea that I’m being paid as a full-time teacher. He believes I’m volunteering, and I need to keep it that way. About six months ago, I opened a bank account in Hadley’s name.
“I’m glad you fixed it, though. I’m sure it’ll help with keeping the equipment safe.”
Kevin nods. “Especially now that old man Arrowood is dead. I heard his asshole sons are back. It’s all the farmhands could talk about. Like I pay them to gossip all day.”
“I’m sure that was frustrating. You deal with the workers so much better than I ever could.” I go for empathy and flattery. The more I let him think I’m on his side, the more likely it is that his temper will hold.
He drops his sandwich and drains the glass sitting beside him. Then he turns to me, his eyes boring into mine, and I see that it didn’t work.
“Are you mocking me?”
“Kevin, stop. You’re looking for something that isn’t there.”
His jaw clenches. “I’m tired of feeling judged by everyone.”
“I’m not judging you, I’m complimenting you. There’s a difference. I don’t want to fight today, so please don’t turn this into one.”
I’ve never been more grateful that Hadley was outside. If this escalates, at least she won’t see it.
The thing is, Kevin is always careful of where he strikes, careful not to leave marks where people will see them. And there are always marks, even if they’re not visible on the outside.
He only makes mistakes when he’s too drunk to care, and that isn’t this time.
Kevin’s eyes close, and I start to speak again. “I was being kind, and I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. You’re my husband, and I’m allowed to say nice things to you. You work hard, you provide for this family.”
“I’m not good enough for you, Ellie.”
We both know that’s true.
“Don’t say that. It’s me who isn’t good enough,” I lie. I have to.
His lids lift, and I see a sad, scared man beneath it all.
This is what used to get to me. The way he would be so apologetic, so humbled, that I forgave him. I didn’t understand, but I smiled and allowed him to keep treating me awfully. Kevin is my husband, he was supposed to be my protector, my world, and I’d wanted that more than anything.
I was so naïve and hopeful and in need of love that I accepted whatever form it came in.
“Don’t leave me, baby.”
I choke down all the words I want to say, the anger that lives inside me, and I act. Not for my own safety but for the little girl outside who will hear through the too-thin walls if his voice rises.
My hands lift so I’m cupping his cheeks, and I stare into the eyes of a man I’ve come to fear and resent. “Never.”
“Good, because I would die, Ells. I would die if you were gone and you took my baby girl with you. I would be nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I know I’m fucked up, but it’s because I love you so damn much. If you weren’t so perfect, I wouldn’t be trying so hard. God, you’re my world.”
As his forehead drops to mine, the smell of vodka fills my nose as he breathes out and I thank God that, tonight, I get sad and sorry Kevin. Not hateful and raging.
