Page 77 of Infinite
My palms are sweating as we go deeper in the room, and I try to relax, Quinn will not let anything happen. He’s not drugged or injured. We’re safe.
“Right, but Ashton and I came to check on you.”
“Ashton . . . I . . . I’m . . .” Aaron tries to speak.
It hits me so hard that my lungs ache. Aaron isn’t maniacal and out to destroy me and Quinn. He’s hanging on by a thread. Everything Quinn said was right. He’s broken and sad. There’s no fight in him. I don’t think he could do anything to injure anyone.
“You’re happy to see us,” I finish his sentence.
“Surprised.”
I can understand that. “Quinn and I thought maybe we could all talk?”
Aaron shifts his weight from side to side. “I was wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m . . . I’m just not.”
“You’re not well.”
His eyes meet mine, and my chest aches. “No, I’m not.” His voice cracks.
For the first time since all of it happened, I can see a bit of what he’s feeling. In my darkest hours, I was lost and afraid too. I could’ve turned to anger and held on to it, but I retreated. When the pain became too great, I did the only thing I could . . . I coped.
“Are you getting help?” I ask as I step forward.
He looks to Quinn and then nods. “I struggle a lot and there are times I don’t remember, but I want to be better.”
“I know it feels like there’s no hope sometimes, right?”
Aaron sits back down. “I’m working on finding it.”
“Me too.” I move closer to Aaron, sitting in the chair beside him. My plans have gone out the window as I see him like this. He’s not in any mental or physical condition to explain himself. And, honestly, it wouldn’t change anything if I had the answers.
Quinn moves so that he’s standing behind me and rests his hands on my shoulders. There’s a protectiveness to his stance, and I garner strength from him.
“Why are you guys here?”
“I came because I was ready to tell you all the reasons I was angry and how I thought...well, it doesn’t matter. I came to tell you that I’m not angry anymore. I’m sad for you. I think you went through something horrible and needed help but didn’t get it. For a while, I believed that you wanted to hurt me, but I don’t know if that’s the truth. I think you wanted to hurt yourself.”
Aaron’s eyes stay on mine, and there’s something in his gaze that I identify with, something that scares me. He acted in a way that would hurt others and I wonder if maybe he was so hurt that nothing could be done for him. But, deeper, I think he was screaming for help in the only way he knew how.
I felt that, by protecting myself, I was not hurting others around me, but that’s not true either.
Grief can take hold of everything if you let it. I think the two of us have learned that.
“I wanted to get better for Aarabelle. Did you see her?” he asks with his eyes growing serious. “Did you tell her I miss her?”
Quinn squeezes my shoulders gently. “I was there the other day, after Liam came to see you.”
“He brought me this.” Aaron lifts a photo that she drew. On the top it reads: “Get Well Soon, Daddy.”
I bring my hand up, lacing my fingers with Quinn’s. I understand now why he forgives Aaron. He loves that little girl, and she doesn’t deserve to lose anything else.
Every little girl needs her daddy.
“We’re all hoping you get better,” I say and truly mean it.
“I’m sorry, Ashton. I really am.”
I nod quickly and then rise to my feet. “I know you are. I’m sorry too. It seems we’re all hurting and maybe we need to forgive not only each other but also ourselves a bit too.”
