Page 7 of Infinite
Tick.
Tick.
On and on it goes, the same sound, the same movement, and yet, as each one passes, something inside me changes.
I’m building a wall. A fortress so tall and so strong that nothing will ever breach it. In there, I’ll be safe from any more bad news. However, it isn’t going as fast as I want. I need to move the bricks in quicker, make the foundation strong so that not a single pebble topples.
“Ashton?” Clara says softly as she enters. “I came by to check on you.”
My mother gets up. “I’ll leave you two to talk.”
Clara walks deeper into the room, and when I see her pity, I turn my head. I don’t want to see any of it. “Ashton, I—”
“Was it you?” I ask softly.
She stops, and I turn to look at her closely. My heart is pounding as I wait to hear if it was my friend who emptied me.
“Yes, and I wish to God it wasn’t.”
I bite my lower lip, trying to rein in my emotions. “Me too.”
I feel a mix of things as I look at my friend. She promised to watch over me and take care of things. I never expected this to be the way it turned out.
“I need to explain,” she says quickly. “There was so much blood, Ashton. If there was anything I could do, I would’ve done it. I swear it. I tried so hard to control it so I could save everything, but . . .”
“You couldn’t,” I finish for her. Looking at her now, I can see how much this is weighing on her. Her dark brown eyes are dull, and her normally perfect hair is pulled into a low ponytail. She knew, more than anyone, how badly I wanted a child. Motherhood wasn’t just a wish for me—it waseverything.
Losing the baby has been incredibly difficult to process, but losing the ability to ever have a child is impossible.
It’s a loss unlike anything I’ve ever known. She takes a step forward, and in my heart, I take one as well, only I go back. There are emotions I can’t process, and this is one of them. I move into my fortress, prepared to shield myself behind what I’ve been able to build so far.
“I tried.”
My hand lifts, and she stops. “I understand, Clara. I don’t think you took any of it lightly, and I believe that you did what you could to save what matters to me, and in the end, you saved my life.”
The look of relief starts to fill her gaze. “There are options.”
I shake my head. “No, not now there aren’t.”
There isn’t a chance in hell I can start to think of options or possibilities. The reality is that I, Ashton Caputo, will never carry a child. I’ll never feel the kick of a baby. I’ll never know what childbirth is like. I won’t ever feel a contraction or work hard to bring that child into the world and be rewarded with her or him in my arms. I need to mourn that loss.
“No, I guess right now there aren’t,” Clara says with defeat. “You’re not alone, Ashton. You have an amazing support team around you.”
My team is down a man, the most important one.
“Did you know Quinn is missing?”
“Yes, and I wish there were something I could do to comfort you.”
I stop her there. “Please don’t. I can’t handle it, and there isn’t anything that anyone can do or say to make any of this better. The only thing I can focus on is getting out of this place and finding him.”
She nods. “I understand that, but you have atleastthree more days in here.”
I don’t want to be here another second. “I’d rather go home and try to help the guys.”
“You won’t be any help to anyone if you get an infection or open your incision, and I’m not willing to face Quinn’s wrath if I allow you to put yourself in any danger. I need to make sure you’reokay.”
Okay. That’s a word that most certainly doesn’t describe me. In fact, I’m the opposite end of that spectrum. I’m . . . done.
