Page 40 of Infinite
I place the food down and clasp my hands in front of me. “I’m enduring. I’m not perfect nor do I pretend to be. I don’t know how to be happy right now. I can’t find the strength to do anything more than this. I get up, shower, eat, and breathe.”
My mother comes around the table, her eyes are warm and there’s so much worry in them. “I almost lost you, Ashton. Imagine the pain you’re in but one hundred thousand times worse. Imagine if you loved that child, held her, raised her, and then she was gone. Can you grasp that I, too, am struggling? Not only because I thought you might die but also because I knew you living would cause you pain. God forgive me, but I prayed you’d live because I couldn’t endure losing you.”
A tear falls down her face. “Mom,” I whisper.
“I want you to understand that we’re all grieving with you. I know it’s nothing like you’re feeling, but I know what it’s like to lose a child. I also know what it’s like to be defeated.”
The twist is now becoming tighter in my gut. My mother doesn’t need to cry. She’s done everything for me. “I want to feel better,” I confess.
I don’t exactly like being this way. I just don’t know any other way. I’m too scared to step forward.
“It’s a choice. You can wallow in grief or you can fight through it. There’s nothing easy about any of it, but what you’re doing now will only hurt you in the long run.”
“When does it get easier?” I ask, praying she can give me an answer.
My mother’s hand touches my cheek. “When you start to feel it and deal with it. Until then, you’ll stay in this purgatory. Now, eat.”
And then I do, thinking about what she said. Can I live through it? That’s the thing I can’t answer.
* * *
“What do you think?” Natalie asks as we walk around the house she picked. “I thought it was a good reflection of your style.”
It’s a fully renovated home right on the bay. The owner was smart to take advantage of the view when they decided on floor-to-ceiling windows that overlook the water.
“It’s really beautiful,” I tell her as I take it all in.
“You’re only about ten houses down from Liam and me, too. I thought it would be nice...if you want . . . to be able to have people close. Plus, Gretchen and Ben are looking in this area now too, so we’d all be together.”
Natalie is sweet, and I appreciate that she’s being so kind about all of this. “It’s great.”
I move into the kitchen, which reminds me a bit of the apartment in New York. It has clean lines and white cabinets and countertops. The floors are a gray slate look, and it has exposed ducts.
Quinn comes behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. His voice is low as he whispers. “If you don’t like it, she won’t be upset.”
I shake my head and attempt to smile as I look up from behind me. “I really like it.”
“Good.” He grins down at me.
Since the dinner with my mother, I’ve been trying to feel little bits of emotion at a time. I’m still not sleeping and food really doesn’t appeal to me, but around Quinn, I’m trying to appear more . . . human.
The ride down here, I held his hand and used every ounce of strength I had to hold a conversation. He asked about what I wanted to do with my time once we were moved in, and I tried to come up with something. We discussed his work schedule, and I could see a sliver of relief on his face.
Trying to keep that going for seven hours has drained me.
Natalie releases a heavy sigh. “Well, I have to get the kids from the sitter, but I’m happy you like the place. I know you don’t get your stuff for a few days, so if you need anything, please let me know.”
He releases me and pulls her in for a hug. “Thanks, Lee, but there’s no need,” Quinn says quickly. “Ashton and I are heading out.”
“We are?” I ask.
My heart starts to race a little because he didn’t say anything. He just said we were going here. I can’t do any more acting. I want to sit in the dark for a bit and collect myself.
“Yes.”
“Oh, you didn’t . . .” I force myself to swallow, “say anything, so I didn’t know.”
“On that note, I’ll be going. Don’t hesitate to call me.” Natalie looks at me pointedly. “I know people always say that to be polite, but this isn’t that time. I’m right down the beach and I plan to come by unannounced because that’s who I am. Okay?”
