Page 34 of Infinite
“Time to . . . I don’t know. It’s only been a few weeks, and today . . . today would’ve been our ultrasound to see her. We can’t see her, Quinn. She’s gone, and it hurts. Okay? It hurts so much, and when I think I’ll be okay again, another blow comes. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt at all, but all I feel is pain and sadness and anger.”
He lifts his hand as if to touch me, but then he drops it. “I love you, and I would do anything to stop the pain.”
“I love you too.”
I wish that love could be enough.
12
Quinn
“Nothing I do seems to help her,” I admit to Ben as I’m walking to the apartment after stopping at the store. “She won’t talk to me. She won’t let me do anything. She says she’s fine and doesn’t want to discuss it.”
When she informed me that she quit her job? I sat there, stunned and unable to say anything. She was reasonable, at least in her rationalization as to why she couldn’t perform her job anymore. I get it to some extent. Her entire life was about fertility and children. I don’t know if I could handle being in a field that required me to watch something I couldn’t have time and time again.
But then I think about Ben and how he didn’t let his injury destroy his life. He fought through it, and I’m hoping he can give me some guidance.
“She’s angry, man. I mean, can you blame her?”
“No, but she quit her job. She’s not reckless. She doesn’t act and think later. She loves this city but listed her apartment the day after we talked about moving. It’s just . . . unlike her.”
He sighs. “Maybe she knows that you’ll be there to catch her as she falls.”
“Of course I will.”
There’s no question about it. I will be here through it all because she’ll come out on the other side. I know it. Sure, we can’t have kids and that is a blow, but kids were always an abstract for me. It wasn’t until she told me she was pregnant that I ever saw it as a reality.
Am I sad? Fuck yeah. I wanted this baby and the happiness it was bringing to Ashton. That child brought us back together in a way I didn’t think could ever happen. Now, I’m afraid the loss will tear us apart.
“Then just be there for her. Let her cry or be angry or be silent. I know it’s hard when the choices are taken from us. If you wanted to still be a SEAL, with everything you were, and then it was ripped away because of something out of your control, you’d be like her.”
I stand outside the building, looking at the glass windows, wondering if she’s staring out in a daze like she does every day. She sits in that chair and pretends to do something, but I see her—despondent.
When we kissed the other day, I thought that maybe it was a breakthrough. I felt her respond. Her body came to life, and I hoped that we were turning a corner. If there was still passion, then we needed time and patience.
But she pulled back, and since then, she’s even further away from me. At night, she’ll sometimes let me wrap my arm around her, but she’s started pulling away a few minutes after she thinks I’ve fallen asleep.
I miss the girl who would literally wrap her limbs around me as though clinging to me gave her happiness.
“I don’t know how to help.”
“She has to help herself. I know it’s a cliché and fucking infuriating, but it’s true. Ashton has to accept her situation and find a way through it. This is her coping, whether you like it or not.”
“I love her, Ben.”
“I know, man. And there is nothing worse than watching someone you love in pain. Gretchen is my fucking world, and when she’s sad, I swear that it’s worse than losing my leg.”
“I would give anything to take it away for her.”
He goes quiet for a second, a moment of understanding seems to pass between us. “Then be patient. It’s not a quality many of us have, but she needs to see you’re not going anywhere. She’s going to have some days where you’re going to want to run, but don’t.”
Ashton is a professional when it comes to getting me to bend to her will. She’s very good at pushing me away or shutting herself out from the world. I have no doubt that this is only the beginning. I’ve fought too hard and loved her too long to let her go.
“I don’t think I could live without her. Even if this is the new her.”
“It won’t be. She’ll snap out of it. Maybe the move to Virginia Beach will be good for her. I know Gretchen and Catherine are worried and they’ll do whatever they can to help.”
Catherine called me yesterday because Ashton won’t call anyone back. She just sends a text that she’s busy packing.
