Page 29 of Infinite
This is crazy. I walk toward her and grip her shoulders tenderly. “You think that I want kids so badly that I’ll leave? I didn’t want kids, Ashton, I wantedourkids. I never thought about any of that until it was us, and that’s what you’re failing to see. It isn’t about babies or whether you can ever conceive or carry because, without you, I don’t give a shit about any of it.”
Her eyes fill with tears, and I think that maybe, just maybe, I’ve gotten through to her. Then she pushes them away, and I watch as the determination consumes the small fraction of emotion she allowed herself.
“Stay if you want, but know that, eventually, your symbol will break and you’ll see that I wasn’t worth the time you wasted.”
I bring my hand to her cheek, moving her hair back as I shake my head. “There’s no end for us, Ashton. Start to accept it. If you quit your job and we need to move, then maybe a change of scenery will do us good. We can always go to Virginia Beach.”
She shrugs. “That’s fine. We can move there, at least I’d have Gretchen.”
I kiss her lips, needing her to feel me. “You have me, Ashton.”
Her eyes search mine, and I hope she finds what she needs. “I have you . . . for now.”
Right now, she’s pushing me away, and I understand it, but I vow that I’ll bring her back to me, no matter how far she goes.
11
Ashton
“Hi,” Cat smiles softly as she and Jackson stand at the front door of the apartment. “We came by to check on you guys before we head to the airport.”
I pull it open and step to the side. Quinn is lying down because he’s beat and last night he struggled to sleep. I’m not sure I sleep at all anymore. It’s more of these moments of half-consciousness, half-unconsciousness. My head moves from thought to thought, never really landing on one solid thing.
“We’re doing just fine,” I say as they settle their stuff inside, and then my eyes land on Erin in her car seat.
How did I miss it?
Why didn’t I think she’d be with them?
My heart lurches, and I hate myself so much for it that I turn away, unable to look at her. I love that baby. She’s my niece and goddaughter and I would do anything for her. And yet, I hate that I’ll never have one of my own. I want to scream because I’ll never have a car seat to carry. I want to throw something, watch it shatter and break until it resembles the broken mess inside me. There was a plan in place that I would have my baby and they’d be best friends. It was all laid out, and I let it fail.
I take a second to gather myself and attempt to smile.
Catherine steps closer, but her gaze doesn’t waver, and I swear she can read my mind. “You’re not fine.”
“No, I guess I’m not.”
“I’m going to guess Quinn’s not either,” she ventures.
“He’s better than I am.”
Jackson lifts Erin into his arms, cradling her carefully. I watch him protect her without even knowing he’s doing it.
“We shouldn’t have come,” Catherine says with a hint of sadness as she sees the pain spread across my face like a wave. I try to mask it. I do whatever I can to stuff it away because I am going to see babies and children. I’m going to be around people who will get pregnant. Right now, it’s as though someone has punched me in the gut.
“I didn’t think—”
“No, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know Erin would—”
I can’t let her think that I didn’t want to see Erin. I love her and want to see her. I just . . . I wasn’t prepared.
My fingers touch her arm. “Don’t say that.” Even in all my pain, I don’t want my friends to struggle with guilt. They didn’t do anything wrong. “It just hurt for a second, but it’s not like that.”
Catherine gathers me into her arms. “I hate this, Ashton. I hate it, and I don’t know how to help you. I love you like a sister, and I would do anything for you.”
We embrace each other, but I don’t cry. I think I broke my tear ducts because they no longer work. “Well, if you love me so much, maybe you can get me a job,” I say as a joke.
She leans back. “What?”
