Page 25 of Infinite
It’s all I do. I think, wish, curse everything, and think more. I can’t stop my mind from going through it over and over. I see that day play out like a movie stuck on the same scene. The blood when I stood from the couch. The way I knew that something was wrong. Clara’s voice when I called. The face of the cabbie as he drove me into the city.
Then the relief I allowed myself to feel.
I remember the split second when I saw that I wasn’t bleeding as I exited the car. I thought that maybe I was overreacting. I hoped that it was a sign that I was going to be all right.
And then . . . the pain as I walked through that door.
The sensation of something tearing me open and then the blood.
His thumb brushes my cheek. “Ashton?”
“I see it play out every time I close my eyes. If I had . . . done anything different, would it have mattered?”
“Given everything you know, could you have prevented it?” There is no trace of judgment in his voice.
No. “That’s the worst part, there isn’t.”
“Then why do you think you could’ve stopped it?”
I release a heavy sigh and shift to my back, being careful because I’m very sore. “Because my mother has always said there’s nothing like the strength of a mother’s love. I’m going to sleep now,” I say the last part and close my eyes. Clearly, my love wasn’t strong enough.
* * *
“You’ve been doing too much,” Clara says as she looks over my incision. “You pulled a staple and it looks like you could have an infection in the incision. I’m going to put you on some antibiotics and demand that you take it easy. You had major surgery ten days ago, and you need to start acting like it so you can heal.”
Quinn moves to my side, taking my hand. “I’m trying to get her to rest, but she’s having a hard time sleeping and getting comfortable. For the last three days, she’s been restless and uncomfortable.”
Clara’s eyes meet mine before moving to Quinn. “Can you step out for a few? I’d like to speak with Ashton for a bit.”
I nod, letting him know it’s okay.
“Sure, Dr. Madison.”
“Please call me Clara,” she insists.
“Clara, then. I’ll be right outside, Ash . . . if you need me.”
The last seventy-two hours have been hell for us. I feel as though we’ve run a marathon and haven’t come close to the end yet. We talk but I always end up zoning out. He tries to engage me, I move further away. It’s just . . . the only way I can protect myself against when he finally sees the truth of all that happened. Quinn does everything he can to ease my mind, but it’s not that simple.
“Ashton, how are you really?”
I shrug. “I’m here.”
“Are you?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. I’m here physically, but my heart is gone.
“You know, all of this is normal,” Clara says. “It would be good to talk to someone. We have Sarina on staff, and she’s a fantastic psychologist. She’s dealt with this many times.”
I’m sure all of that is true. Sarina is great, but there’s no point in talking. “It doesn’t change the facts.”
“No, but it could change your emotions about the facts.”
“How would you feel?” I toss back at her and then look away.
“I’d be angry.”
I laugh without humor. “Well, I’m fucking enraged.”
