Page 22 of Infinite
Quinn doesn’t require three nights of a hospital stay. Instead, they checked him over, did bloodwork, and gave him an IV because he was dehydrated. Now we’re on our way home. There was a constant stream of people, which allowed us zero time to talk. I can’t even hope that there would be chaos in my apartment to act as a distraction because the boys assured me they would be cleared out and everything would be back to normal by the time we got back.
We sit in the back of the cab, holding each other’s hands, the tension mounting as we near my apartment.
I pay the cabbie, and we exit, still not speaking. The quiet is the calm before the explosion. There’s no doubt he knows it too. What will be the cause of detonation? I wonder. Will it be me because I’m brimming with the need to say it? Will it be him?
Then I wonder if he already knows. Quinn is overly observant. He sees things that others miss, and maybe my silence is telling him all the words I don’t want to speak aloud.
After all the activity today, I’m in excruciating pain. My incision, which was burning before, has become an inferno. We get upstairs, and when we cross the threshold to the door, I almost double over.
“Ashton!” Quinn yells as his arm grips me.
I look up, tears fill my gaze, blurring his face. The only way I’m going to get it out is if I don’t see his eyes. The nausea assaults me, and I blurt the words, knowing there is no amount of finesse that will make this blow any easier. “I lost the baby. I hope you’ll forgive me but, it’s gone.”
His other hand wraps around my back, and he pulls me to his chest. “No.”
I can see the pain in his gaze as he stares at me. His lip quivers just a bit, but he shoves it down, trying to be strong.
Here was what I dreaded, the pain and sadness of losing something that we created. Just like I’m going to lose him.
“I’m so sorry!” I say as the tears fall. “I’m . . . I’m just . . .”
His hand rests on the back of my head. “No, I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
I start to sob and let the weight of everything press me closer to him. It’s as though I found out all over again. I want to tear my heart out because it hurts too much in my chest. All of what we had is gone.
Quinn walks me to the couch, never letting go of me. I cry so hard that I worry I’ll tear a staple. He doesn’t say anything, he holds me close, allowing me to release it all.
The pain.
The fear.
The sadness.
The anger because I’m so fucking angry.
“I lo-lost the baby, Quinn. I l-lost our b-baby.” My teeth rattle as I shake with agony. “I couldn’t s-stop it!”
“Don’t cry, Ashton. You didn’t do anything.”
No, I didn’tdoanything. I just let it happen because I’m sure I forgot something important and that’s why it happened. I didn’t eat right. I forgot my prenatal vitamins once or twice, too. My clothes were too tight or maybe it was the trip to the beach where we walked too much. There’s a reason somewhere. I know there is.
These things happen, but there’salwayssomething that causes it.
It was clearly because of me.
I don’t know for sure, and I won’t likely ever find out.
“I did nothing but cry and wish I had died along with her. What kind of mother would I have been anyway?”
“Her?” he asks. “Do you know?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to know, but I . . . I couldn’t ask. I can’t . . . I . . . I took her away.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong! You didn’t take her away or decide to lose the baby, Ashton.”
I wipe away the tears I don’t deserve to cry. Fuck it. I’m angry now. “I was supposed to protect her! It was my only job!”
He cups my cheeks gently, forcing me to look at him. “Stop it. Stop it right now! You didn’t do this. You loved that baby, and there was no way you did anything on purpose.”
