Page 70 of Infinite
“I would imagine not.”
“I need help. I can’t live like this anymore. If you’re not comfortable because I’ll be working here, I understand, but I was hoping you might know someone who deals with infertility and loss that comes with it?”
Carolina gets up and sits beside me. “For a woman, dealing with a miscarriage is difficult, and if you’re comfortable talking with me, then I would be more than willing to help you. The fact that you’re sitting here right now says a lot about your strength, Ashton. I’ve seen patients wait years before reaching out for help, and by then, they’ve lost everything.”
It didn’t take me years to lose it all. I was able to do that in a short amount of time. Maybe I get a cookie for being ahead of the curve.
“I was on the accelerated plan.” I try to joke.
“Why don’t you tell me what you mean by that?”
I release a heavy sigh and unload. I didn’t realize how much I went through in that timeframe, though. As I explained that day, I wonder how I haven’t ended up committed. In all actuality, I probably should’ve been. Then I explain to Carolina everything else. The move, the job, the trip to North Carolina, and what led me back here.
I finish and feel winded. “I’m a mess, aren’t I? I feel like I’m a mess.”
“It sounds to me you’re more together than you know. You’ve been through a very serious traumatic event, one that shifted the course of your life. I would be surprised if you didn’t feel like you were a mess at all.”
“I want to feel better.”
She smiles and taps my hand. “Well, that’s the first step.”
“What’s the second?”
“The work.”
24
Ashton
When she said work, she wasn’t kidding. It’s hard, and I feel as though a bus has hit me. In today’s session, we recounted the entire day that I lost the baby. Step by step, I relived it. I went through my emotions as though we were dissecting a case. Carolina wouldn’t relent on getting me to keep pushing and told me to “dig deeper” every time I started to pull back.
Now I’m sitting on the front deck of the house with wine, doing everything I can not to retreat again.
Which is truly what I want to do.
“Hey.” Quinn’s deep voice causes me to jump.
“Hey.”
“Are you all right?”
His concern for me is unending, and letting him go is going to be the hardest thing to smile through.
“Yeah, a rough session with Carolina.” I drain the wine glass for emphasis.
In the last three days, he’s been great. He listened to me talk about Carolina and how much she reminds me of Cat. I can’t remember hitting it off with anyone like I have with her. When we’re in her office after everyone has left, she’s not the sweet girl who waves and smiles, she’s an exorcist who’s removing the demons in my heart.
At least, that’s how I see her.
Quinn hasn’t pushed or asked, but she encouraged me to share with him since he probably needs to hear it after so many months of my refusing to let him in.
So, I’m doing my best to be an open book.
“You saw her again today?” Quinn asks with a bit of surprise.
I get up from the chair and walk over to where he leans on the railing. The sun is at his back, casting a warm glow around him. If I keep staring at him like that, I might go blind . . . he’s perfect.
So, to cover the fact that I want to fall to my knees and beg him to stay, I stand beside him.
