Page 48 of Infinite
Maybe I hurt her.
Maybe there’s something wrong.
I get to my feet and pull my shorts on, ready to go after her, but before I can get there, the door opens. What I see, breaks my heart in a way I never knew existed.
Gone is the girl who let herself go, enjoyed what we are, and felt it all. The woman who can barely force a smile without looking like she’s on the edge of tears is back.
I can’t fucking do it again. There’s no way I can handle this.
My chest is tight, and I swear I’m going to lose my fucking mind.
“Ashton.”
She puts her hand up. “Don’t. I know you hate this. I know it’s driving you crazy, and I see you struggling, which makes it that much harder for me. I’m watching you . . . feel this...and it’s my fault. I know it is. I know that you’re dying each day, but I’m already dead, Quinn.”
I move, gripping her arms gently, but firmly enough to make her know I’m serious. “If you were dead, you would’ve never felt what we just did. I know you were with me the entire time.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not with you now!”
“The hell you’re not. You’re always with me. I fucking love you so much it’s killing me. All I want is to make you happy, but I can’t do that when you refuse to even give me a chance. I’m strong enough to take it. I’m here, willing and ready, but you’re so closed off to even trying. What are you gaining with this? What the hell is the point, Ashton? What can I do to show you that I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere?”
“Can you give me a baby?” she yells, her eyes are filled with the pain she tries to hide. “Can you make all of this a bad dream? Are you strong enough to turn back time and fix this? No! You can’t! So, stop acting as though this is something you can fix. You can’t fix me!”
I shake my head as my heart pounds in anger and frustration. “I don’t want to fix you, I want to love you.”
A tear falls down her cheek. “You can’t love someone who doesn’t exist anymore.”
I refuse to believe this is what she wants. “You think you don’t exist?”
“The girl I was is dead.”
“Maybe so.” I shrug while shaking my head. “Maybe the guy I was is gone too. Maybe none of us will ever be the same. I know what it’s like to live without you, Ashton. I won’t do it again. Not after what we shared. If you were really gone, the girl who was so alive in my arms...she wouldn’t have existed.” My hands cup her cheeks, rubbing away the tears with my thumbs. “You’re there,fragolina. Underneath all that pain you’ve allowed to weigh you down is the woman I love. You think she’s gone, but I felt her a few minutes ago.”
Ashton closes her eyes and then steps out of my grasp. “This was a mistake. I should’ve...you don’t deserve this.”
Not again. She’s going to stand here and deal with this once and for all. “You don’t get to decide that for me. I choose you. I’m here because I fucking love you! We aren’t a mistake, what we did just now, wasn’t a mistake. Don’t ever say that to me again.”
“I knew this would happen,” she says as she swipes another tear. “I didn’t think it would be hard, but now that I’ve felt you again, I’m just—I’m—”
I step back into her space because I dread the next words. I see the turmoil in her posture and feel the pain in her words. “If you’re thinking of leaving me, think again.”
“We have to stop this. I can’t pretend that this is going to work and I’m going to snap out of it. Neither can you.”
I don’t accept this. “We didn’t come this far for this, Ashton!”
“I’m tired of trying. I want to move on.”
“No you don’t,” I say. “You don’t want to feel or go forward, you want to stay where you are.”
Fire flashes in her eyes. “So what if that’s true?”
“That’s not life! You’re the one who told me that! You’re the one who gave me this hope that I could be more, now I am, and you want to walk away. We lost a baby, Ashton. We lost her and that will never change for us. You can’t have a baby, I know this, but fucking hell, you have me! I’m trying so hard, and you’re giving up.”
She shakes her head. “I gave up weeks ago.”
This isn’t going to be the end. I don’t care what she says. I have to snap her out of it. I’ll fuck her every hour if that is what it will take to bring back that light. My body is vibrating with the need to fix this. I step toward her, gathering her in my arms, and I bring my lips down. I kiss her, pushing the determination into her, begging her with my lips to feel again.
Her hands don’t clutch me this time, instead, they push away.
