Page 35 of Infinite
She’s not.
She’s busy wallowing.
“If you saw her, you wouldn’t even recognize her.”
Ben releases a deep sigh. “You know, that’s sometimes how it goes. Look at how Aaron dealt with his trauma. Thank god she’s not hitting you over the head, right?”
“I would prefer that to the silence.”
I would do anything to get her to find that spark again.
“Be careful what you wish for. Right now, she might be in denial or some form of it, but anger will come, and that will be a whole other side of crazy. She’s grieving her life, buddy. It’s a tough road, but walk it with her.”
I’m trying to do that.
“Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime,” Ben says without pause. “Quinn . . . how are you holding up?”
I go silent for a second. “I’m doing fine.”
“Really? Because you lost a child too. You weren’t there, and I can’t imagine you’re doing fine.”
Leave it to Ben to call me out. Liam has been asking, but he drops it when I say I’m handling things.
The truth is I’m fucking furious. I want to rip someone’s arms off and beat them with them. I’m so angry there are times I can’t see straight. I loved that baby. I had plans for our lives. There’s a ring sitting in a box that I was going to put on her finger. My timing and plans were perfect. We were going to go to New Jersey, have dinner with her parents, and then take a trip to the beach. I wanted to make the best memory possible for her.
Now, I can’t say if she’d even smile if I proposed.
I want to marry her. I want to give her the life we talked about. Nothing about how I feel for her has changed.
“All I’m worried about right now is Ashton.”
Ben clears his throat. “Well, someone needs to worry about you because all of that shit you’re pretending isn’t happening . . . is. She’s not the only one suffering, and you won’t be any good to her if you fall to shit too.”
I’m the only one who isn’t fucking falling apart. If I let myself feel any of the hell that’s been building inside me, then what? Who the hell will pick up the pieces then? Who will hold her? Tell her that she’s okay? Keep trying to convince her that we’ll find a way? No one.
“What do you want me to say?” I ask.
“The truth.”
“The truth is that my abduction could’ve done all this, at least pushed her along into it. She was alone, dealing with a little spotting, and there’s this guilt that the stress of her not being able to find me sent the situation over some kind of threshold. She doesn’t sleep, she barely eats, and she’s so fucking sure I’m going to leave her that I don’t have time to think about myself.”
Ben blows out a heavy breath. “I get it. I was so worried about my ex-wife after I lost my leg that there were times I didn’t even think about me. She was selfish and only worried about her and what my injury meant, so I did nothing but try to ease her. But when there was nothing else to focus on, it hit me—hard. I don’t want to see that freight train run you over. There’s a family here at Cole who has your back.”
I’m well aware of that. Since I got back, I haven’t felt as though they’ve abandoned me one bit. I get emails, texts, and Natalie has practically taken over the move for us. She found us a great house to rent and got all the paperwork done. She and Liam offered to let us stay with them, but there’s no way Ashton or I want to be in their way. Not to mention, I saw her face when she saw Catherine’s baby.
I can’t imagine she’ll be able to be around Aara and Shane.
“I appreciate that. I hate feeling helpless. I hate not knowing what to do and that’s all I feel lately.”
Ben’s voice is calm and sure. “You be there and whenever she’s ready to talk, listen to her. I saw a few doctors down here, but Chaplain Moore helped me a lot. She needs a neutral party to give her support. Find someone once you get here. That’s my biggest piece of advice. Just don’t push her too hard or you’ll piss her off to the point she won’t even entertain it.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Anytime.”
If I could only get her to see that she’s not fine. Hell, neither of us are, but I need to take care of her first, then I can worry about me.
