Page 31 of Infinite
“Talking about it will help you get everything out of your own head so you can process it piece by piece. You’re overwhelmed by loss, and even if you don’t talk to me or Gretchen, you should talk to someone—anyone.” She moves closer, her eyes are begging me to hear her. “You’re my best friend in the entire world. There’s literally nothing I wouldn’t do for you. If I could shoulder this for you, I would. You’ve been through so much and no one faults you for shutting down. I stood by, watching you close yourself off when we didn’t know about Quinn, but he’s alive, Ashton. He fought so hard to come back to you. He needs you and you need him. I’m asking you, please don’t shut him out. Let him carry some of your pain, don’t seclude yourself when it’s unnecessary.”
My heart is racing as I listen and allow myself to acknowledge that, deep in my soul, I know she’s right. If I push Quinn away, I can’t blame him when he finally goes. The thing is, I need to be the one who controls this. His leaving is inevitable. It’ll happen whenever his guilt ebbs. I may have agreed to go to Virginia Beach, but Gretchen is there and will let me stay with her when Quinn walks. Hopefully, I’ll have a new job down there and it’ll be fine.
There’s no reason to come back to New York. I’m done with this city.
“I appreciate the advice, but I’m doing what I think is right.”
She pushes her dark brown hair back and nods. “I see. So, you’re doing the opposite of what I said?”
“Don’t lecture me, Cat.”
Her breath pushes from her chest. “Fine. I won’t. You know, even with you being...well, pretty much a bitch, I will still be here to pick the pieces up. You’ll have to do a lot worse than this if your goal is to be alone.”
Just then, Jackson and Quinn emerge with Erin crying. Her little wails grow louder and Jackson’s face shows the worry, and then I see Quinn.
His eyes are troubled, and his jaw tight as he looks down at her. I can see the sadness etched in his face. The longing gaze at the baby in his friend’s arms breaks me a little further.
It’s this moment when I know that, no matter what he says, he’ll want this and I’ll end up just the girl who couldn’t give it to him.
* * *
“Ashton.” Quinn says my name with a sigh as I look out the window.
I’ve been sitting here for over an hour, pretending to read. I can’t tell you what the book is about since I’ve been at the same spot since I started. My mind wandered as I stared at the people on the street, each one of them living, walking, moving in a city that’s brimming with life while I feel vacant. Another week has passed . . . another week of no baby. Another week of Quinn worrying constantly and me falling deeper into despair without the strength to stop it.
“Yes?” I respond.
“I asked if you were hungry.”
“No,” I answer and then turn back.
He moves closer, his hand brushing my hair back before settling on my neck. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”
He asks me this each day, and I try, but I have zero fucks to give. “We talk.”
“No we don’t.”
He’s right, but I don’t want to talk. “I’m tired.”
“Because you don’t sleep and you think I don’t notice.”
My eyes widen a bit in surprise. I didn’t think he did. I go to bed with him, lie there, close my eyes, and do my best to keep my breathing even. Even when I do manage to sleep a bit, I usually wake from a dream of a child that will never be.
Why would I ever want to sleep and subject myself to that? At least when I’m awake, I can control it and force away anything that will hurt. As each day passes, it’s a little easier to stay in the numbness.
“Then it’s clear you’re not sleeping either,” I toss back.
“No, I can’t because my mind is filled.”
I want to ask him what’s keeping him up, but I see the trap. If he gives me something then I’ll be expected to give something too.
I’m good.
Since Catherine and Jackson left, it’s just been us.
The two of us. Alone in this apartment as we pack.
The saddest thing for me is that we came all this way for nothing. Yesterday, when we were cleaning out the kitchen, I caught myself staring at him, wondering if he’d ever find someone else. His dark brown hair is longer and his beard has grown out. I’m sure that, in time, the fire will light back in his eyes, and he’ll find happiness again.
