Page 24 of Infinite
I know what it feels like to be let down by someone you love.
It eats at you and allows resentment to fester.
When Quinn speaks, his voice is layered with hurt. “I wasn’t here. I should’ve run right here, to you. You went through all of this alone? You honestly thought I would be angry with you, Ashton?”
My breaths come out in small puffs, as though my lungs are afraid to pull the air because I might choke on it. “I don’t know. I didn’t know what you’d be because I’m livid! I’m livid and hurt and broken and so much more. You should be angry at me!”
Quinn shifts forward, his hands move to my shoulders before drifting to my neck and then my face. “I’m not angry at you,fragolina. I’m angry atmyself.”
“You didn’t take her from us.”
“You mean that I wasn’t here to support you when you were losing something precious to us.”
I close my eyes, blocking the comfort he’s offering. He can’t say these things to me. Being understanding now will only make it all worse later. “You’re in shock. You’ve been through hell and—”
“And you haven’t?” His voice is soft. “You don’t think that what you’ve endured this last week wasn’t horrific? Losing the baby, not knowing what was happening to me, finding out that you couldn’t . . .”
“Say it,” I taunt him.
“Why? Why does it matter? Why do you want me to hurt you?”
Then the tears fall. The fucking truth of the hurt I’m trying to hide. This is where I can’t seem to control myself. He can’t hurt me any more than I already am. “I lost everything!” I scream. “I have . . . nothing inside me anymore, Quinn! Don’t you get it? I’m not even a woman! I’m . . . I’m hollow and ruined.” I sniff and move away from him. “Hurt me?Please. You can’t hurt what’s already dead inside.”
The determination in his eyes causes me to step back. “Are you hearing yourself? You’re not dead inside. If you were, when I exited that warehouse, you wouldn’t have cared. You would’ve been emotionless. Hell, you probably wouldn’t even have been there in the first place. I’ve seen dead inside, sweetheart. I’ve watched men who were full of life reduced to nothing. That’s not you. It’s not what will ever become of you.”
How I wish that were true. “I allowed myself emotion, some small semblance of it when you were missing because I was so afraid, but you’re here now.”
“How does that change anything?” Quinn asks.
Because I don’t have to try anymore. I can finally allow myself to go to that quiet, sorrow-filled place and stay there. He can’t even begin to fathom the level of grief that’s been crushing me, inching nearer with each breath. I can’t hold it back any longer. There’s not enough strength in my body to fight.
“I’m not strong enough,” I admit.
Quinn brings his lips to mine. “I’m strong enough for the both of us, Ashton. I won’t let you fall apart.”
He’s too late, and I’m too tired. I don’t admit that because I’m smart enough to know that he won’t listen. He’ll try to convince me that I’m wrong, but his words won’t heal the damage my body has caused.
* * *
After I get most of my tears out, Quinn carries me to the bedroom. He’s exhausted, I’m emotional, and we’re both out of words.
His breathing is steady as my head rests in the crook of his arm. I look at him, watching the way his eyelids move slightly as he finally rests. I wonder how long it will be until I’m staring at the empty pillow. Will it take him weeks to accept what I am? Months? If I know Quinn, he’ll try for a period of time, but he’ll eventually go.
He never dreamed of a family. He didn’t see the children, love, and life we could have until I put it in his head—the fairy tale that will never be.
There are many women who don’t have children and are perfectly happy, but I will never be one of them. I wanted to be a mother more than anything else in the world and was willing to go at it on my own if that was what I needed to do.
Now, not even that is an option.
What a cruel twist of fate.
In his sleep, he pulls me closer, almost as if he knows I’m drifting in my own depression.
“Sleep, Ash,” his voice is a whisper.
“I can’t.”
He shifts to his side. The dim light of dawn is starting to break through the windows, but it’s enough for me to be able to see his face. “I can feel you thinking.”
