Page 83 of Hold You Close
She rises to her feet, fresh tears spilling. “I’m sorry! I wanted to, honestly I did, but we were so happy, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t even like thinking about it.”
“Problems don’t go away just because you refuse to think about them. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”
“You don’t.” Her voice breaks over a sob, and it kills me not to take her in my arms. God help me, I want to so badly.
I want to tell her the truth—that I love her and don’t want her to leave, but it would be so unfair. She’s worked too hard to give up her career now. My chest is painfully tight. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have hidden this from me.”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t hide it!”
I turn toward the window again so she can’t see my face. “You should take the job.”
“What? No!” She comes over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Ian, please. Talk to me. Why would you tell me to take the job?”
I can’t look at her. “Because you deserve it. You’ve worked all your life for that kind of title and position. It’s what you’ve always wanted.” I swallow hard and force myself to say it. “And there’s nothing here worth staying for. You should go.”
“But . . . but I love you. I love the kids. I love the life we’re making together. You don’t think that’s worth staying for?”
I shrug. “Not if it means giving up your career.”
Her voice is small and fragile. “Don’t you love me?”
Oh, fuck. I have to lie to her. And it’s going to destroy her. Crush her. Annihilate her.
But it’s going to save her from making a huge mistake—if I tell her the truth, she’ll pass up the opportunity of her dreams for me. Sure, she’s saying she doesn’t care, but I know her better than that. She wants this job, and it will be my fault if she doesn’t take it. Dream over. I couldn’t live with it back then, and I can’t now.
No matter how much it hurts.
Turning toward her, I make myself look her in the eye. “I care about you, London. You were an important part of my sister’s life, and you mean a lot to my family.”
Her lower lip trembles. “That’s it? After everything we’ve been through the last couple months, that’s all you have to say to me?”
“What do you want me to say?” My gut feels like it’s being torn apart by a pack of wolves. “Look, we’ve had a good time together, and maybe if you hadn’t gotten a promotion, we’d have stayed together longer. But this was bound to come to an end sooner or later.”
“It was?”
No, but that’s not what comes out of my lying mouth. “Yeah.” I run a hand over my hair, knowing I’m the biggest asshole in the world right now. But I have to be brutal, or she won’t go. “I mean, how much longer was this going to last?”
“I don’t understand.” Shaking her head, she wraps her arms around herself like she’s cold and takes a step back from me. “How could I have been so off about this? About us? How could I have been so blind?”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. We were having fun. We deserved it, after what happened to Sabrina and David. We needed each other to get through it.”
There are no words to describe how much I hate myself right now. Saying that to her makes my heart ache because if it hurt me that much to say it, I can’t imagine how it sounded.
“That’s what this was for you? Grief therapy?” Her eyes are wide and shining.
“Well . . . sort of. Wasn’t it that for you?”
“No. No, it was much more than that. I love you, Ian. I’ve always loved you. Even when I hated you, I loved you.”
“That makes no sense.” But it does. Of course it does.
She starts to laugh, even as tears continue to drip down her cheeks in mascara-streaked tracks. “You know what makes no sense? Me, thinking this time was different. Me, thinking you’d changed. Me, believing I could be the one you wanted forever, that we had a future together. I see now what an idiot I was.”
“London, come on.” Dammit, I don’t want her blaming herself.
“No. You don’t love me. You don’t care about me. You never have.” She turns for the back door, and I can’t stand it.
I chase her down, grasp her arm. “Just wait a minute. That’s not true.”
