Page 76 of Hold You Close
“Do you?” I decide to ask instead of assume.
She takes a sip of her wine, seeming to think it over. “I don’t know, Ian. I know I feel very strongly about you.”
Yeah, that’s what every man wants to hear. “We don’t have to turn this into a serious conversation.” I decide to give her the exit strategy. “I know you had a tough day, I was just being a dick and trying to make you say it.”
“No.” She places her hand on my wrist. “I’m not trying to avoid this because I had a shitty day at work. I mean, I think we’ve done really well at being honest since we’ve been together. I don’t want to stop that. We’re having fun, and that matters to me. Do you love me?”
Fucking hell. My palms start to sweat and my mouth opens and closes.Gather up your balls, Ian, and tell her how you feel.
Instead, I take the pussy way out. “We’re having fun, raising the kids we love, and there’s no need to label it, right?”
I mentally slap myself—hard. I’m such a fucking fool, but I’ve been here before. I’ve loved London and lost her. My brilliant way of getting over that was to marry a viper and have that bitch’s fangs stuck in my neck, sucking the life out of me for a long time.
There’s no way I’m jumping in both feet and getting taken under again.
Not happening.
“Right,” she says, batting her eyes, trying to hide the hurt.
“Good. I say we just keep doing what we’re doing and see where it takes us.”
London forces a smile and nods her head. “Exactly what I was thinking. It’s like you read my mind. Nothing serious for now, no need to really make this a thing. I mean, we live behind each other, see each other daily, so why make things complicated? I take care of things for you, drive carpool, am late to work and leave early.” Her voice shifts to more angry than understanding. “I wouldn’t want you to have to label anything since I’m sure that’s totally not your thing. It’s not like we’ve known each other our whole lives or that I’m basically killing myself to make life better for you and the kids, right?” She keeps going without giving me a chance to answer. “I’m just . . . doing what I can and clearly fucking it up. But you know, we’ll just see where this takes us. Yup. Sounds like exactly what I want.”
“Whoa!” I try to stop her. “What the hell was all that?”
“No, no, I get it. I see the writing on the wall.” She sets her wine glass down.
I’m glad she does because I’m fucking lost. “What wall?”
“The wall you always put up. The one you’re the king of. Humpty Dumpty and all. Only I usually take the fall.”
“Have you lost your fucking mind?” I’m confused because I swear just a few seconds ago she was saying she didn’t want to get into this. Now she wants to, but doesn’t really want to put herself out there. I’m not sure how to salvage this. “Are you drunk? Since when do you usually take the fall? How am I the one that said something wrong by being honest?”
Well, honest while holding back a little.
Fire burns in her eyes. “Oh? I must be drunk for telling you that you’re an asshole, huh? I mean, it couldn’t possibly be what you’ve done to make me feel this way.”
Clearly that was the wrong question.
“I make you feel this way?” I ask, digging the hole a little deeper. I know she’s hurt because I didn’t admit I loved her, but I didn’t hearherscreaming it either. She was just as non-committal as I was.
“Yes, Ian.” She sneers my name. “You and your feeling that what we are is just casual!”
“What the hell did you say a few minutes ago? You said we were having fun. You said it, I agreed.” I call her out.
“Don’t throw my words in my face.” London’s voice is razor sharp.
“Oh, but you can throw mine back at me?”
“Yes! Yes I can! You do this to me!”
Okay, now she’s just being a nutcase. “I made you feel this way? Me? You’re screaming about some shit and all I did was agree with you! Jesus Christ.”
“He can’t help you here, buddy. You did this all on your own.”
“Did what?”
She throws her hands up in the air. “This!”
