Page 26 of Hold You Close
I move closer toward him. “No, I’m not kidding you, Ian. I want to put this all behind us for once. So let’s have it out. Let’s get all the dirty laundry out in the open so I can move the hell on.”
“We’re not going down this road. Not today. Not ever. Fuck! How are you the only female on this planet that can make me this fucking crazy?” Ian yells the last part. “Why, when my entire life feels like it’s falling apart, am I standing here, wishing I could shut you up again with my mouth? Why, when I’m so far past the point of angry, all I want to do is . . .” He stops, and my breath hitches.
I wait for him to continue, both of us standing here, staring at each other. My heart races as I wait for the words to come from his lips. To tell me something real. Tell me I’m not alone.
But instead, Ian retreats, like always. He shakes his head with his eyes closed, and my heart breaks. “Don’t worry, this won’t happen again. We both know it was a mistake and I don’t need any more reasons for you to hate me. I think you’ve stockpiled enough already.”
“I don’t really hate you,” I admit.
His head jerks back and he closes his eyes. “What the hell is it about you? Why do we do this to each other?”
“I don’t know.” If he’s not going to admit his feelings, I damn sure won’t admit mine. “Whatever. You’ve already said it was a mistake.”
Or that I’m the mistake. Either one applies.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I release a heavy breath. “I’m tired of this.”
“Of what exactly?”
Caring about you so much but pretending to hate you more.
“Thinking things could ever change.”
I’m done with him and feeling this way. I’ll be there for those kids because I love them with my whole heart. No matter what lingering issues are between Ian and me, we’re not entering any kind of relationship different from what it’s been for years.
Hostility and resentment.
Because hate is easier than love. If I hate him and he lets me down, I’m not left disappointed.
Ian sighs. He looks up to the sky and then back to me. “I know, I’m an asshole. You’re better than me, and I’m never going to change and you’ll always hate me. Let’s chalk this up to grief and your inability to hold your liquor.”
My walls are back up and the door we opened just now is cemented shut. “Prick.”
“I got a big one of those, huh?”
Yeah, you do.
“I’ve had bigger,” I lie.
No need to inflate his already ridiculous ego.
“Whatever you say, London. Now will you please come back with me and help? I’m sorry I disturbed your very busy night with your new friends Pinot and Chardonnay.”
“Sure, only because you’ll pay for this later.” I smile, ignoring the jab.
He groans as I saunter past him and his voice is low, but I hear him clearly. “I don’t doubt that.”
The truth is, as pissed off as I was, I would’ve gone after him. Not just because of the kids, but because Ian is the weak link in my iron chain. Sabrina used to laugh because no matter how much I “hated” him, if he needed help, I would still help—with an attitude, of course. And I could never let Ruby suffer—she’s too sweet to deserve that. I just wanted to calm myself down before having to face him.
We walk back to his house and as we get to his pool deck, he grabs my arm.
“I need to say something.” He clears his throat. “Whatever you think that was back there on my part, you’re probably wrong. You have a long history of thinking the worst of me—”
“I’m not—”
His hand covers my mouth. “Shut up for once and listen,” Ian commands. “I’ve let you go on thinking whatever you want because if that’s what you believe, nothing I say will change your mind. But hear this.” His hand drops. “I’m sorry. This isn’t how I want things to be with us.”
