Page 20 of Hold You Close
Ruby’s tears slice through me. I don’t know what to do. I look up to the sky, wondering what my sister was thinking. I’m completely fucking lost here.
I get to my feet, but as soon as I move away, she screams out again, and my black heart breaks. “I don’t know what to do here, sweetheart,” I admit to her. “Do you want me to hug you or go away? Do you want a cookie? Ice cream? Maybe a doll? We can go to the store!”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to give her things.” Morgan shakes her head at me.
“Do you have a better idea?”
She rolls her eyes, and Ruby goes on and on.
Morgan looks down at her nails and then back up to me. “I know someone who could help.”
Five
London
Ugh! I hate that man.
I hate him.
I hate that I want to hate him more than I already do.
I grab the bottle of pinot and pour another glass. Stupid asshole. Calling me lonely. Telling me I’m condescending and judgmental. Ha! I’m only those things because I see the truth about him and he doesn’t like it.
God forbid I not be one of his little groupies who tell him what he wants to hear. I know what he is—a user.
I wander over to the sliding door leading to my deck. “And good luck keeping those kids from me!” I yell at his house, lifting my middle finger in the air, hoping he can see through the glass. “Prick!”
We’ll see what happens the first time he needs help. I’ll sit here in all my judgy-ness and tell him to figure it out his damn self.
I hope his balls fall off.
That would really teach him.
Refusing to look in his direction one more second, I march into my living room and sink onto the couch. I lean my head back, allowing the almost-finished glass of wine to warm my extremities.
I turn my head to the side, seeing the unopened letter from Sabrina sticking out of my purse. She left six letters with her lawyer. One each for me, Chris, Morgan, and Ruby; one for her parents; and one for David’s parents. The only person without a letter was Ian. Which of course spurred another outburst from him.
My heart begins to race and I instantly feel sick to my stomach. Can I really read it? Am I ever going to feel ready? Probably not. However, I miss her. I want to hear anything she has to say.
Leaning over, I take it in my hand, loving the scripted letters of my name in her handwriting. I slide my finger under the seal, slowly opening the flap. The sound of the paper opening causes my chest to tighten. I’m not sure how I’ll get through this. I pull the letter out, decide to down my third glass of wine, tuck my feet under my butt, and read her last words to me.
London,
My best friend. My soul sister. The girl who has been through it all with me and never stopped loving me. This letter is so hard to write, but I had to do it. I remember Dad telling me about how no one should ever wonder what you felt after you were gone, so here I am. I’ve had a few glasses of wine so I could actually get through this version of hell. I hope you’ve had some too!
First, thank you. You’re the best friend every girl should have. You’ve never judged me for the stupid things I’ve done, you loved me when I didn’t listen to you, and you always had my back. We’ve been through so much, and I wouldn’t have wanted any other friend beside me. I love you with my whole heart.
Second, you’re probably a little mad at me right now. Don’t be. Please understand we didn’t make this decision lightly regarding the kids. We went back and forth a hundred times, but he’s my brother, Lon. He’s their uncle, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that you’ll be there for them no matter what. I know that you’ll love them, make sure he doesn’t teach them bad habits, and you’ll give them the woman’s touch they’ll need.
(Side note: this the most morbid shit I’ve ever had to do.)
Okay, back to pouring my heart out and pouring another glass of wine.
You and Ian may not get along, but please try. He’s going to be stubborn, but then again, so will you. Just dig your heels in on being there for them. Chris will get bad advice from him--you’ll need to make sure he doesn’t take it. Morgan will probably drive him crazy, you can allow that. Ruby will get away with anything because … have you seen her eyes? That girl already knows how to work the system.
I’m hoping that this letter never makes it to you. I want to tell you in person what your friendship means to me. Just know that even if I’m gone, I’ll miss you so much.
Lastly, I’m going to say this because I’m gone and you can’t kill me . . . forgive my damn brother already. Yes, he broke your heart, but if you didn’t still have feelings for him, you wouldn’t care so much.
