Page 119 of One Last Time
Eventually, thinking of him won’t hurt. Noah will become a distant memory of a possibility that failed. Time will erase the history, cause the love we shared to fade like an old photo, but today, the vivid colors slice through my soul. There will come a day when I can’t remember what his voice sounded like, or the slight variances of green in his eyes. As much as it’s killing me right now, I don’t want toforget.
I need to stop this. I can’t keep doing this to myself. Noah is gone, it’s over, and I have to live. On the other side of the door are the answers I need so I can start to moveforward.
The door swings open, and I look up right before the cup of water I’m holding falls from my numbfingers.
It isn’t Jackson standing in my livingroom.
I look to Catherine, who just smiles. “I’ll go wait for my husband outside,” she says before skirting out of theroom.
“Kristin.” Noah’s deep voice fills theair.
This isn’t real. He can’t be here because I heard her on the phone . . . I’m going insane. I drop to the floor, grabbing the cup, and then his hands appear next tomine.
I close my eyes, hating my head for playing these games. “Stop,” I whisper to myself. “Stop thisnow.”
When I open them, he’s stillhere.
“I need to get paper towels,” I say onautopilot.
“We have to talk,” Noah says, but I can’t do this. My breathing is labored, and I shake my head. “Then I’ll talk, and you can listen . . . I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I didn’t listen to you.” His voice cracks. “I was wrong, Kristin. There never should’ve been a doubt in my mind that you didn’t do it, but I didn’t know what tothink.”
I don’t know what to think. I’m still not completely sure I’m not having a complete mental breakdown. Between the stress of the last few days, and dreaming he would come, I don’t trust myself. I lean back onto my heels, staring at the bright green eyes I’ve longed to look atagain.
“You’re here?” Iask.
“I came as soon as I heard,” Noah answers. “I left the set, and probably my career, but I needed to seeyou.”
I start to believe this is real. Noah is in my living room, and I can’t get a grasp on what I’m feeling most. I go from relief, to anger, to hurt, to hate, to love, to disappointment, and then back to relief. The vicious circle swirls like the blades on a helicopter, threatening to cut me with each rotation. No longer caring about the mess on the floor, I get to my feet. I need to feel taller, stronger, and find my courage to get myanswers.
“Why?” I breathe the word. “Why now? Why are youhere?”
Noah doesn’t touch me, but I can feel the warmth of his body. I draw in a deep breath, smelling his cologne, and start to tremble. He’s close enough I have to tilt my head to look into his eyes. “Because I loveyou.”
Love doesn’t break you in half. If he loved me, he would’ve seen that I would never want to cause him pain. If he loved me, he would’ve stayed and fought besideme.
“Love me? You left. You walked out and left the country.” I take a step back, reminding myself of all the hurt I’ve felt. “You can’t come here saying you love me when it was so easy for you toleave.”
“Easy?” Noah reaches for me, but I move. If he touches me, I’ll cave. “Please...” He drops his hand and the hurt flashes in his eyes. “There was nothing easy about leaving you, sweetheart.Nothing.”
I shake my head, choking back mytears.
“Getting on that plane was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I spent two days drinking myself to sleep. I couldn’t eat, work, or function. I saw your face in every person. All I wanted to do was come back toyou.”
“But you didn’t,” I remind him. “You didn’t come for me. You didn’t evencall.”
Noah’s face crumples, and he releases a heavy breath. “I fucked up. I knew if I stayed here, I’d never be able to keep away. I was so angry and hurt that I wasn’t thinking clearly. You have to believe me, I know I wasstupid.”
Yes, he did fuck up. “You broke my heart, but more than that, you truly believed I would do that toyou.”
“What choice did I have, Kristin? It was allthere.”
“You could’ve had faith in me!” I cry out. All I wanted was a chance to prove my innocence. He couldn’t even give methat.
Noah looks down. “I did, but it wasn’t just the fact that every possible explanation was negated, it was everything. I’m not perfect.” His eyes meet mine. “I know I have things I need to work through. Trusting someone isn’t easy for me. My father left when I was a kid, my girlfriend was my heart and soul but was leaving me for something better, and then almost every person I considered a friend turned their back on me. Not to mention the fact that this industry is a breeding ground for people who will sell you out. Eli is my only friend. Everyone wants something from me, and then I metyou. . .”
My heart is in my throat as I listen to his reasons. I can understand and empathize with how difficult trust is for him. I can’t say that I wouldn’t be jaded, but we were supposed to be different. I’ve never given him a reason to think I’m like thosepeople.
“I only wanted you, Noah. I didn’t want your money, fame, your story . . . you did that. You were the one who pushed it. I would have never written about you if I had my choice. You hurtme.”
