Page 2 of One Last Time
“When will you learn, Kristin? If you gave a little more effort, I wouldn’t be sodisappointed.”
I do nothing right. Nothing. I don’t dress the way he thinks I should, raise the kids the way his mother did, look the way I did when he fell in love with me, and Lord knows, I don’t please him in anyway.
“I guess I’ll never learn,” I say to pacifyhim.
“I guess not.” He crosses his arms over his chest and stares atme.
My husband was once a good man. He doted on me and told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever beheld. Everything about us seemed to just fit. Two years after we were married . . . it changed. No longer was I perfect for him. Instead, I was difficult and needy. It was a snowball that kept growing bigger the farther it rolled. I thought I could make him happy, so I tried harder and failedmore.
He wanted a baby. If I could give him a child, we’d be fine. I truly believed that, but each month I got my period, he’d remind me how I couldn’t even give him ababy.
The day I found out I was pregnant with Finn, things changed. The man I love came back to me. But after Aubrey, I was back to beingworthless.
That snowball has rolled me over and left melifeless.
“It never changes,” he huffs. “I’m donetrying!”
So am I. I’m tired of being tired. I’m over having my heart trampled for nothing. He’ll never love me. I’ve got nothing left togive.
“How did we get here?” My voice cracks as the pain takes hold. “How has this become our life? I used to love you so much it hurt to breathe, and now? Now, it just hurts. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t spend every night with us at each other’s throats. It’s toohard.”
“If you’d just try to domore—”
“If I’d just? Are you kidding me? All I do is try! All I do is give you what you want, but it’s never enough!” My God. How can this be all on me? I can’t possibly be that bad. I do try. I try and try, and it neverchanges.
Scott runs his hands down his face. “You used tobe.”
“Right.” A tear falls. “I used to be a lot of things, and so didyou.”
My heart squeezes and everything inside me hurts. I look at Scott, wanting one reason to fight. If I could find some glimmer of hope that we could figure out a way, I’d garner the strength to goon.
His eyes meet mine, and I know there’s nothing left to fightfor.
There’s no hope left, and I break. A strangled sound escapes my lips at the loss I feel deep in mybones.
He moves quickly, gathering me into his arms, and I sob. I clutch him, needing to hold on because I feel soalone.
“Don’t cry, baby. I hate when you cry. This isn’t what I want for us,Kris.”
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he does care. “I don’t want to fightanymore.”
Scott takes my head in his hands and his eyes are soft. “Then dobetter.”
This is what he does to me. He breaks me down and then does something sweet to make me think it was in my head. I’m so fucked up because ofit.
He doesn’t wantme. He wants some version of this woman, and I can’t be that. I’m tired of trying to be that because it isn’t possible. The reality is . . . he doesn’t love me anymore, and I won’t live likethis.
I pull back, needing space because I’ll fall right back into ourpattern.
I hate that two people who would’ve done anything for each other are so far apart they can’t even see each other anymore. Our relationship is a series of battles, all of which I’velost.
“This isn’t okay.” I sniff. “The way you treat me. The things you say about me . . . it’s not okay,Scott.”
His eyes close, and a tear falls down my cheek. We both know this is the end, but I don’t know how to take the firststep.
Anger is easy to hold on to. It’s the loss of all hope that is killing meinside.
“I’m not going to apologize for the truth. I think you should pack andleave.”
