Page 9 of Fall Hard

Everything was not okay.

“Frankly, we’re concerned. Your attendance is far below the expected percentage, you’ve failed to submit several assignments, and you are at serious risk of failing the course.”

I should have been panicked, hearing those words. I could see the genuine worry on her face, her watery eyes squinting through her glasses as she studied me. Winters was easily one of the nicest professors I’d ever had. But I just didn’t care.

Not so long ago, Jamie and Kat had told me that if I really wasn’t enjoying studying on my course then I should quit. Drop out. It hadn’t even occurred to me that dropping out was an option—for so long, I’d done whatever my parents wanted, and they’d wanted me to get a degree. So I’d gone to St Agatha’s, been kicked out, and wound up studying Communications at Radclyffe purely because it was where they had room for me and I had no idea what I wanted to study. Of course, it occurred to me now that maybe I just didn’twantto study at all.

“Okay,” I said, crossing my legs primly. I had been dreading this meeting for days, hadn’t told anyone just to avoid thinking about it. Jamie would have peppered me with questions or offered to beat someone up, Kat would have fussed and worried more than me and… Well, that was it really. I liked the rest of our circle of friends, but I wasn’t as close with them one-on-one. So I had quietly let this anxiousness bubble away inside of me until the day of the meeting came and I realized I’d been anxious for nothing.

“Okay? Olivia, I don’t think you understand the severity of the issue.”

I nodded thoughtfully, barely paying her any attention as I let my eyes rove over the rest of her office space. Some professors kept things sparse, not Winters though. Every surface was covered with an assortment of crystals and fabrics, it felt more like the office of a psychic than a business and comms professor.

“I promise that I do, I’m just not sure that Communications is a great fit for me.” I somehow got the words past my lips and felt an instant rush of lightheadedness at daring to voice the thought I’d been mulling over. I swallowed and felt my shoulders relax slightly when Winters nodded, tucking a piece of gray curly hair behind her ear as she leaned back in her chair.

“Ah, well maybe we can help with that.” I raised my eyebrows, intrigued, and she continued with a gentle smile. “I understand your circumstances were… less than ideal, when you joined us, and while I can’t guarantee you a place on a course in a different department, I can certainly facilitate a few taster sessions within your current one.”

“So, like a business course?” I couldn’t say I was that interested in business either. I’d done a short course as one of my electives at St Agatha’s and it had nearly bored me to tears.

“Sure,” Winters said easily, “or journalism, something in that vein. I can make enquiries with other departments if you’d like, but there’s no guarantees.”

Well, I didn’t want her to waste too much of her time when I had no clue what I might be interested in. Maybe Kat and Jamie were right and academia just wasn’t for me.

“Either way, we need to see immediate improvement in your commitment to your education. Otherwise, we will have no choice but to remove you from the course.”

“I understand,” I said finally, standing up and reaching forward to shake her hand. “A couple of taster sessions couldn’t hurt.” I was grateful, truly. It was nice that she was reaching out and that Radclyffe was making an effort, especially considering the treatment Jamie had experienced recently when her professor tried to have her expelled.

Of course, I knew a little something about expulsions myself. Though, mine had been a little more hush-hush than Jamie’s. St Agatha’s hadn’t wanted the scandal of a student-teacher relationship (and a same-sex one at that) to ‘tarnish’ their reputation. My parents had been quick to agree.

I strode out of Winters’ office after she’d promised to arrange things for me, musing silently as I walked, my thoughts now firmly elsewhere.

I was pretty sure the last time I’d spoken to my parents was when I’d moved out of St Agatha’s and into Radclyffe’s temporary student housing. They’d helped me move, but the silence had been icy and the tension, biting. I’d been glad when they’d gone.

Campus was relatively quiet. It was the inbetween-y time of not quite early but not quite afternoon and so the majority of students not in class were probably still sleeping off their late-night study sessions. It made me wonder what I’d have been doing right then if I had still been at St Agatha’s. It was almost eleven-thirty, so I would probably have been in prayer. The thing was, I didn’t think I’d always been disinterested in college. I’d liked being at St Agatha’s, even if some of the girls were a little bitchy. It had changed something though, taken the shine away from learning, maybe, when they tossed me aside and my parents had followed suit.

The sky was so blue and with the misplaced anxiety surrounding that meeting now gone, I felt like I could properly enjoy it. I sent a quick mental thanks out into the world, glad that I was free to live the life I’d always wanted. Not that I was really sure what that life would look like, but it wasmineto choose, to decide, and that’s what I’d really craved this whole time.

I didn’t have faith in the same way as my parents, in the way St Agatha’s had wanted, but I still hoped, still believed there had to be something more. If there was a God, I knew they’d listen regardless of whether I was in a church and that they’d accept me regardless of who I loved.

A hand touched my arm and I jumped, a shriek ripping free from my throat.

“Shit, sorry!”

I let out a breath of relief as I recognised the voice, and then the face, as I turned around. “Xander! Don’tdothat!”

“I’m sorry, I called your name but you didn’t hear me.” His brown eyes were wide and pinched at the corners and I took a deep breath in an effort to slow my pounding pulse.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry. I was kind of lost in thought.”

“Is everything alright?” He fell into step beside me and I half-smiled. It was always such a novelty to walk next to Xander, he was so tall that even I had to look up at him when he talked. Bits of his dark hair had escaped the bun he’d pulled it into, barely brushing the tops of his cheek bones.

It was a shame, really, that he did absolutely nothing for me. He was objectively beautiful and I knew he liked me, but I’d kissed a boy for the first time when I was twelve and hadn’t been bothered about doing so again.

“Kind of. They might kick me off my course.”

“What?” A startled dog yapped excitedly at Xander’s near-shout and I swatted him on the arm half-heartedly as I cooed at the pup. “Didn’t we just sort this exact thing out for Jamie?”

I shrugged. “The difference is that Jamie actually cared about her course.”

---