Page 50 of Get Even

Dear Ms. Silver,

Thank you for attending the hearing on Friday, we greatly appreciated your cooperation. However, due to the severity of the incident, coupled with your aggressive and disruptive behavior in class this year, we see no other option but to suspend your studies until further notice. Should you wish to appeal–

No. This couldn’t be happening. It was a bullshit complaint and the probation had been sketchy as fuck to begin with too. Nick had been right, I should have contested it then and there and Davis wouldn’t have been able to screw me over, but I hadn’t imagined that I could actually end upsuspended.

My record was ruined.

I showed Kat my phone numbly and she mouthed the words as she read them, eyes flying wide as she began to rant about the unfairness of it and how could they do this to me? All the fight went out of me, drained away like I’d been punctured by Taylor’s stab in the back and Professor Davis’ stab to the heart.Now what?It was the only thought that swirled around in my head. What was I supposed to do now that my carefully laid plans, the hopes I’d had for the future I’d worked so hard for, were now just nothing but pipe dreams? Well, I knew what my mom would do, obviously, but I wasn’t her, was I?

“We can appeal the decision,” Kat said brightly, as if that would fix everything. It wouldn’t erase the way I felt right now, knowing that this institution that I had poured everything into was willing to give up on me.They didn’t care.Were happy to take the word of a fucking backstabber and misogynistic prick over me – who’d only ever had straight As, didn’t cause trouble despite my excess partying, I’d never been so much as reprimanded before Professor Dick started teaching me. He had hated me since the beginning of term and I was sick of it. Fuck him. Fuck Radclyffe for their shitty procedures that never helped anyone anyway, and fuck Taylor.

“Yeah,” I said blankly, taking my phone back and sending a screenshot of the email to the group chat we’d created a couple of weeks ago. A few messages popped in immediately and Ryan tried to call. I didn’t want to talk. Right now, the only thing I wanted was to get blazed out of my brain and never think about this shit again.Like Mother, like daughter I guess.I walked back to the apartment quietly with Kat and waved her off when she offered to see me inside. Then I headed down the stairs to the underground parking garage, climbed in my truck and started the engine.

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

THE JEWELLER’S HANDS - ARCTIC MONKEYS

I satin the truck for a while with the engine running. Not sure where I was going or what the plan was, just feeling like I needed to get away. Sun City had felt like a refuge of sorts for a long time, a place where I could rewrite who I was and choose who I wanted to be. But the past always comes back to haunt us and while I could choose a new path it couldn’t change the one that had brought me here.

I put the car in reverse and pulled out of the lot, it was almost empty in there and I felt absurdly grateful. My truck was steady and reliable but it was also huge and a little difficult to maneuver so I was relieved to have the empty space either side of me. I stopped at the exit and shot a quick text to Liv, telling her not to worry and that I would be out late, before heading smoothly up and out of the underground parking space. I drove aimlessly for a while, just content to let my hands guide me.

I found driving soothing, not as soothing as singing but ‘working it all out on the stage’ was the last part of the process for me. I couldn’t sing about it until I knew what was bothering me, sometimes I didn’t even realize that anything was until I had my guitar in hand and tears running down my face. Emotions were a bitch, hard to understand and even harder to control.

I drove past Ry’s house, the windows all dark, and glanced out at the park that the rest of the town campus seemed centered around. The trees had become full again, leaves swaying restlessly in the breeze, and I knew how they felt. It felt like I’d blinked and somehow my life had changed again. First when I’d found Liv and then when I’d found Ryan. Then when I’d got that email earlier, the one that had the power to change my future in a hundred words or less. Strange how something so small and intangible could leave such large ripples.

I drove on, heading past the mall and then the mini stadium where I’d watched my first football game earlier that day. I’d experienced a lot of firsts here, some of them good and some of them bad. I didn’t want to let Radcliffe University affect how much I loved this place, these people, but it had. I’d felt on the outside before, but now I was even further away from everything I’d wanted, it all came to a screeching head with that email. With fucking Taylor and what it all boiled down to – I wasn’t good enough. I’d tried and scraped and struggled to become something more than the girl whose mom was an addict and whose dad had skipped town. I didn’t want people to look at me and thinkoh yeah you can see she’s had it bad. Yet even after all I’d done to get here, the promise of more, the promise of the life I fucking deserved had been snatched as quickly as snuffing a flame.

Of course, pretty blonde girls like Taylor whose rich momma would take care of them would never have to worry about their place in the world. Neither would Aaron. Perfect plastic people ready for cookie cutter lives, filling themselves with drugs just to feel something. I tapped the steering wheel angrily with two fingers, hating the direction my thoughts were spinning, knowing I needed to shut them down before I became truly self-destructive but I was spiralling deeper and deeper and hating them more and more for having this fucking effect on me. For being able to tear me down in ways their words and actions never could. They had it better, even in their fragile empty lives, they would always have it better.

They don’t have what you do,I reminded myself.Love, more love than you know what to do with. Friendship and people who care in ways you’d never dared hope for.I shrugged off the thoughts. Love could only get you so far.

A bright sign up ahead had me turning off the main road and into a tiny parking lot outside of a bar. It wasn’t on the main strip, which explained why I’d never been here before, but it seemed fairly busy and I could only hope that the too-loud music might drown out my thoughts.

I sank into an empty stool at the bar, swinging my jean-clad legs around as I ordered a vodka.Fucking Devil’s juice,Kat had called it and she had been right. It was a nasty drink for a nasty person, cheap and sour and I could practically feel how it would numb my throat before the drink was even set down in front of me. Hoped it would numb more than that. It was almost dark in there, like they didn’t want you to look too closely at the drinks or the person next to you, all low-hanging lights and the drinks came in heavy glasses that made me wonder how much I’d actually paid for my drink. I’d never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, had always known the difference between drinking for fun and drinking because youhad to– before the sadness or the anger could swallow you up and spit out only the worst parts of you. Sometimes it didn’t matter how hard you tried, we all turned into our parents in the end.

I nodded my thanks to the baby-faced bartender and picked up the cool glass, swirling the clear liquid from side to side as I contemplated it. For some people depression felt heavy, for me it felt light. The lightness of not giving a single fuck and I supposed that was in itself, fairly heavy. Like your body was empty and you could feel every inch of your soul shriveling in the sunlight. Trying to work out how much to let it consume you before the cracks started showing, needing to know how much of a fuck you wanted people to give and only showingjust enough.It hadn’t been a problem for me in a long while and yet here I was, slumped down and falling faster, dizzy at the bottom of a spiral with nothing to hold on to.

You’re not your mother, not even close.But wasn’t I though? Ready to bury myself in whatever could make the pain, the failure, the hopelessness go away? Who wouldn’t want to turn that part off? To just take one little sip and never have to break through the haze? I raised the glass to my mouth, let the scent of the alcohol fill my nostrils, let the liquid brush my lips and felt thattug. The same one I’d been feeling for weeks now whenever worry about Taylor or Aaron or the upcoming hearing had left me breathless and each time I’d found myself at Ryan’s door.

The glass hit the red napkin with a thud as I placed it back down, untasted.Me, I realized slowly.Iwasn’t someone who wanted to run away from the pain, I never had been, and for one stupid letter to shake me so thoroughly… I clenched my hand and then released a deep breath. I would rather stand out in the deluge and let the rain fucking lash me than take a step closer to being likeher. To letting one more set-back drag me down, drag me back to who I could have been. Who I almost was.

I stood and slid the expensive drink to the guy sitting next to me, “Enjoy, I don’t want it.”

He sniffed it and winced but I was already gone, the stool top still spinning as I walked unhurriedly to my truck. I still burned with anger, betrayal, but at least that soul-crushing blankness had eased a little. Just enough for me to get in the car and take a steadying breath as I pulled away and back on to the road.

I switched on the radio, my truck was too old to have an aux or bluetooth for my phone, and hummed mindlessly to whatever song was playing as I drove on, not sure where to go but knowing I wasn’t ready to go home yet. A sign for Phoenix flashed on my right in the light from my headlights and my mood sank a little again as I wavered, caught between the future it seemed like fate wanted me to have and the one I wanted for myself.

I squared my jaw and made the turn. It seemed only right, only fitting, to come back here to the place I’d run to as soon as I could get away from my mother. She loved me, but her love was a brand of poison that had been killing me slowly – it wasn’t even just the drugs, though that had been bad enough, it was the constant parade of other addicts she’d had in and out of the house, like they were in some club only the lowest of the low knew about.

The drive to Phoenix took about forty-five minutes on a good day and at this time of the night the roads were quiet. Nothing but me, my thoughts and the sound from the radio breaching the night. The time on the dash told me it was just after one and I blinked at it blearily, I must have been driving around Sun City for longer than I’d realized while I’d been wallowing.

I clenched my jaw, ignoring the pain that spiked up to my temple. I’d made the choice once before, in this exact place, that I wouldn’t be held back. Not by my mom, society – nobody. That included the snooty-ass academics at Radclyffe. So why was I letting it shake me this badly? Who gave a crap what they thought of me?Party girl. Slut. Not cut-out for academia.Those were just things people said, not who I was fundamentally. If I walked away now, if I refused to give myself a second chance to be something – anything – then didn’t that make me just as bad as them? I felt oddly adrift, like tonight could be another rebirth of sorts and the night was malleable, waiting for me to decide what to make of it. Like anything could happen.

Decision made, I drifted into a quiet parking lot outside of a mall and pulled out my phone. I could vaguely remember the name of Max’s studio and quickly typed it in, hitting the button for directions. It actually wasn’t too far from here. Funnily enough, it was only a stone’s throw from the old club that I had sung and waitressed at years ago. It was a 24-hour kind of affair with more seedy clients than there were tips, but if I had to I could wait Max out there til morning.

I deserved to take a chance on myself, the same way I had before. I owed it to that girl who had scrimped and saved and worked her ass off to get where I was now. Sometimes it took more than one try to get something right, what mattered most was that I kept on going.

I pulled up outside the studio, unsurprised to find the lot empty and the only lights on were in what looked like a security box. The building was painted a shade of mint that made it look closer to a bakery than a recording studio and I felt my stomach rumble as I thought about pastries for a second. I parked and sat in the darkness, blowing out a long breath as I tried to decide what to do. Whether this was a step I actually wanted to take or just one I felt like Ihadto take. I had options. I didn’t need to do this. And sure, music wasn’t the career I’d picked for myself but what sane person who loved it like I did would turn down this opportunity? Maybe Ryan had been right, I didn’t want fear to take this from me. Sowhatif they rejected me or decided I wasn’t good enough? I. Had. Options.

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