Page 41 of The Reality of Wanting Him

I’m glad there aren’t cameras in our room for many reasons, but I’m particularly happy that I won’t have evidence of the stupid smile I’m sure was plastered on my face as I ran my fingers through his hair. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed without hesitation. “I know the show is kind of a wild way to meet someone, but I don’t care. This doesn’t feel fake. You don’t feel fake.” He shifted, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look me in the eyes. “I know I can be a dumbass sometimes, and I know I don’t always think before I act, so if something ever bothers you, tell me. Please. I want this, Liam. You make me feel something I never have before.”

It was in that moment, that I felt like we could really go all the way, and I let myself finally admit how much I want us to. “Okay.”

He gave me a small smile. “Good. ’Cause I don’t want to screw this up, I haven’t been this excited for the future in a long time.”

I didn’t know what to say to that—not in a way that didn’t make me sound completely gone for him—so I kissed him instead.

His words are still at the front of my mind. I’ve never had a relationship where these conversations came so easily. I’vealways felt like I was trying to bend to make someone else happy, but with Blake, we just fit. We work for each other without either one of us having to change. I push him and take control in bed, which he loves. And he helps me relax and let out a more playful side of myself the rest of the time, which I love.

The time I’ve spent with Blake feels like everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship. He always finds his way to me at night, snuggling as close as humanly possible—and I’m surprised by how completely obsessed with his clinginess I’ve become. I always thought a cuddly, needy partner would be a huge turnoff because of how much independence I’m used to, but with Blake,I want more.I don’t feel suffocated at all.

He’s still insisting I teach him how to cook. He seems genuinely interested in all our conversations and learning more about the farm. He’s curious about my life in a way no one ever has been before, and it’s so fucking easy to just exist with him.

I really like him.

Which is why the next phase of the experiment—the hometown visits—now feels like an even bigger deal than I’d originally thought they’d be.This is where reality is going to pop the bubble we’ve been living in.

This is when we see who we truly are outside of this show. And, more importantly, we’ll find out if Blake actually fits into my world.

If he actuallywantsto.

I’m terrified he’ll take one look at the work a farm actually requires and decide he prefers his easy life in the city.

I’m not sure my heart could handle that rejection,but as much as I wish we could stay here, away from the stresses of the real world, the show must go on. So we pack our bags and head to the airport.I’m just grateful Blake’s visit is first and we can put off my fears for a little longer.

21

BLAKE

Producer:Are you worried about bringing Liam to meet anyone since you’ve never dated a man before?

Blake:Not really. I don’t see why anyone but me should care about the gender of the person I’m dating. And if they do? That says more about them than it does about me.

As soon as the producers confirmed that we would be on the show, we had to submit ideas for our potential hometown visits. They wanted a few options so they could choose the best filming locations and get everything set up, encouraging us to include as many friends or family members as possible to make the whole “getting married quickly” thing still feel real.

When I asked my parents to be a part of it, my mother laughed, saying, “There’s no way you’ll find a wife on a television show,” before she left the room. My father was also dismissive about it. “I know you’ve been trying, son. If it works out we’ll be sure to be in town for the wedding, but I’ve got a worktrip that your mother is joining me on, and I couldn’t possibly reschedule.”

So, of course, neither of them is here today.

Which leaves me with my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with them, and we always have a good time, but most of my friends are the kind of guys I go to a football game or a club with, places that involve more alcohol and entertainment than conversation. I don’t think any of them are going to be truly homophobic, but I’m also a little worried that most of them will think I'm kidding when I tell them I’m planning to marry a man. The last thing I want is anyone to laugh in Liam’s face because they don’t believe me, especially with a whole camera crew there as part of a reality show.I’m terrified to embarrass Liam any further than I already have, even if it’s by way of my friends, so I’m really glad my initial hometown plan only involves me seeing Chad.

He was the one who told me about the show in the first place, so I think he’ll take me seriously when I explain everything to him. Plus, he’s my best friend and the only one I actually spend quality time with one-on-one, so I know he’ll just want me to be happy. I’ll tell him all about Liam, and he can back me up tonight in front of the rest of our group if anyone gives us a hard time, because there’s no way I’ll allow anyone to be a dick to Liam. I don’t care who they are or how long I’ve known them. None of them matter more than Liam.

We all wake up super early to fly back to New York. I’m pretty dead on my feet, and Liam teases me about not being cut out for farm work. I know he’s only joking, but I’m worried that he actually thinks I won’t be able to handle it. So, I chug a large coffee and make a point to not nap on the plane like I’d originally planned.

We spend the flight talking about the things we’ve missed the most about being away from home,mostly Lucky,and the time flies by. Hanging out with Liam is always so fun and easy. It’snot just that we’re both guys either. I’ve never cared this much about making any of my friends laugh, and my heart has never raced because I made any of them smile.Liam is special. I can’t wait for this next week when I finally get to see the farm and we can really start planning a future together.

This is the final week before the show expects us to get engaged. Then we’ll all be meeting back at the hotel they’re hosting us at in NYC to start wedding planning. They didn’t mention what would happen if youdon’tend up engaged, but I think it’s pretty obvious that would mean you’ve broken up and your journey on the show is over.

Hopefully I won’t have to worry about that. I’m positive I want to marry Liam. I don’t care that we’ve only known each other for a short amount of time, or that there’s a lot more physically for us to explore.Judging by how much I love blowjobs, I’m sure I’ll love themorejust as much.Obviously, I came on to the show intending to get married, and that’s still my plan. It no longer feels like an ultimatum requirement though, but the beginning of a future I never knew I wanted.

Once we arrive at the airport, there’s a bus waiting for us to bring us to the hotel the next phase of the show will be headquartered at. One of the producers takes most of the bus ride to explain how the next week will go for each couple since some of us are from the city and others are further away. I squeeze Liam’s hand, already dreading being away from him today. He has to spend the morning doing interviews for the show while I get to meet up with Chad and tell him about Liam.

I’ve loved spending all my time with Liam over the last few days, and I’m worried I’m going to go through some sort of withdrawal if I can’t be cuddled up with him for hours. I wish Liam could just be there with me. I’m not worried about Chad’s reaction at all, and any time spent with Liam is better than being apart. I’ve never wanted to spend this much time with any of my previous partners.

When we have to separate so Liam can go to his interview at the hotel, I give him a deep kiss, completely unbothered by who might be around. “I miss you already,” I say before pulling him into a tight hug.

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