Page 35 of The Reality of Wanting Him

I carefully grab my phone from the nightstand, squinting at the screen before sending a text to JR.

LM:

You awake yet? B is still out like a baby despite falling asleep first again last night.

It takes less than a minute before my phone buzzes with a reply.

JR:

Not sure what’s worse—finding out you’re dating a straight man, or finding out you’re dating the person who’s hated you for the last fifteen years. Tough call.

I smirk, shaking my head as I type back.

LM:

I’ll take my relationship, thanks. It actually isn’t so bad.

Everyone watching this show is going to think this was so scripted. I mean, what are the chances the guy whoonlywanted to match with women ended up in a relationship with me? I know the viewers will say we were matched up together intentionally or that we’re playing it up for the cameras. But the thing is, none of this feels fake, especially not with the way he kisses me.

My phone buzzes again.

JR:

We’ve made it through our first few days, we got this.

I let out a small huff of laughter, shakingmy head as I type back.

LM:

Yeah, we do. Excited to finally meet you later! Gonna be so weird but cool, haha. Can’t believe I still don’t know what you look like.

Today’s a big day—we finally get to meet the other contestants who matched up with their partners face-to-face. It’s the first time we’ll all be in a group setting, and as much as this whole process has been weird as hell, I’m looking forward to it.

Mostly because I’ll finally get to meet JR—who I now know is a man named Jace—in person. We both had eventful and unexpected reveals, and talking to him the last few days has made everything feel more grounded. I already know we’re going to be good friends, and I’m grateful that I have someone who understands exactly what it’s like to be falling for someone who they might not have the best chance with.

While I didn’t find anyone else I truly connected with, I know Blake did. I feel good about us, but I can’t be sure he won’t change his mind today if he finds out his number two choice is actually a woman. He came into this show looking for awife. He thought he would only match with women and he ended up with me. And even though he keeps telling me he’s okay with this, that it doesn’t bother him, that he wants me, tonight’s actions will really prove it to me in a way words alone can’t. Wanting someone in the heat of the moment is different than choosing them as your partner for the rest of your life.

It’s easy for him to say all the right things when we’re wrapped up in each other, but what happens when the real world sets in? When people see us together? When he’s really with a man out in the open? When his friends ask him about his sexuality? When his parents meet me at his hometown visit?

What happens if I believe him now, let myself fall all the way for him, and then he changes his mind about dealing with all that?

To say I’m stressed about how today will go is an understatement.

I tryto calm my nerves as we walk onto the rooftop bar the show has created at our building. I don’t remember a time I’ve ever felt this nervous. Well, besides right before walking into the shared apartment and meeting Blake for the first time, and that sure didn’t go the way I’d hoped it would. But he's been giving our relationship real effort since his initial moment of surprise, so I'm trying to ignore my hesitations about being the first man he's been with.

Before we left our apartment, producers delivered nametags to our room. Mine says, “LM - Liam,” and Blake’s, of course, says, “BB - Blake,” both in bold black ink. It’s a stark reminder that after tonight, no one will be anonymous anymore, every conversation we had will be remembered as we meet the other contestants.Are people going to act like strangers? Or bring up the things we talked about?

Blake seems calm, which feels very on-brand for him. If he’s nervous, he doesn't show it.

As we walk in, everyone turns to look at us expectantly, and Blake takes that as them looking for an introduction. There are only six other people here. I guess I forgot that if people didn’t match up, they went home. I know JR will be here because they matched with KD, but I’m not sure who else is left.

“Hey, I’m Blake, also known as BB,” he says, flashing his trademark grin that’s starting to really grow on me, before slinging an arm around my shoulder. “And this is my partner, Liam, or LM as you might know him.”

Excuse me while I fucking melt. I can’t help it—with how nervous I am that he’s going to drop me for a safer option, the way he said “partner” like it didn’t faze him makes me swoon.

Maybe I do mean more to him than I’ve let myself believe.

We walk into the crowd and one more couple joins the bar after we arrive. JR thankfully comes up and introduces himself as soon as Blake steps away to grab us drinks.

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