Page 24 of The Reality of Wanting Him

“Uh, yeah?”

I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, like this isn’t actually happening to me right now. Everything I pictured during our dates—the way I imaginedherlaughing, the way I thoughtshe’dlook at me when we finally met—it’s allunraveling in real time. Every late-night conversation, every inside joke, every stupid little thing we shared—it was allhim. LM was always a man.

He’s the one who’s been teaching me to cook. He’s the one who I’ve lost sleep over, staying up late because I didn’t want to say goodbye. He’s the one I imagined taking me to his farm, showing me his world, maybe even letting me be part ofhisdream. My head is spinning as all the details from the last week are suddenly merging with the man in front of me.

“Is something wrong?” he asks, clearly thrown off by the reaction I’m having. I take a deep breath, shaking my head before I finally seem to remember how to speak.

“You’re a man,” I finally point out.

“And that’s a problem?” He looks somewhere between confused and mad now, so whatever vibe I’m giving off is clearly not the excited meeting he was probably hoping for.

I focus on my breathing so I can answer him. The thoughts are flying through my head way faster than I can process them. I take a moment to try to sort through the emotions. I’m surprised more than anything. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t more seriously consider this as a possibility. I’m not angry, though. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t have wanted to pick anyone else. L is the only one I had any true connection with, and I don’t regret my decision.

That has to mean something, right? Is there a chance that we could still have a real relationship, even if I’ve never seriously considered one with another man? I’m sure everyone watching this will love this set up after how confidently I labeled myself as the straight contestant on a queer dating show.

“I’ve never dated a man before,” I admit.

The words are out of my mouth before I can even really consider stopping them. I don’t have anything against men dating other men, it’s just something that I’d never considered for myself before this show. Even when I thought about it in theabstract early on after getting here, the hypothetical felt very different from the man I have a real connection with, who is standing here across from me.

“Is that a problem? Did you not know what show you signed up for?” he asks as he turns for the door, and I race forward, grabbing his arm to stop him.

“Wait, don’t go!” Even though this isn’t what I was picturing, I’m not ready for him to walk away.

“What do you expect me to do? You saw me and were obviously disappointed. Then you pointed out that you don’t date men,” he says, emphasizing each word like I need help understanding. “I’m a man. You look absolutely terrified right now, not like some closeted baby bi who’s excited for his first gay experience. This whole interaction didn’t exactly scream ‘I’m so excited to be in a relationship with you,’” he huffs, glaring at where my hand is still on his arm. “I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t excited to be with me. So I think I should just save us both the embarrassment and go.”

“Shit, L, I’m so sorry. Please don’t go. Iamexcited—I was so fucking excited when you said you’d move in with me. I was a mess all morning, worried you’d choose the other person still in your top two. I know I want to move forward with you. I didn’t mean to offend you. I don’t even know how to explain myself right now, and I know I sound like an idiot—and an asshole—but I’m sorry.”

I take a deep breath while looking right into his bright blue eyes, pleading for him to understand. I’m momentarily distracted by the stormy array of blues and greys staring back at me. “Yes, I knew when I signed up for the show that I’d be talking to other guys, but I really liked the idea of the whole connection without looks thing.”And the convenient timeline for the ultimatum, but now is so not the time to tell him about that.

“I guess I assumed I would be drawn to the women on the show because that’s who I’ve always dated in the past. I wassurprised when I saw you because it was easier for me to picture the vague idea of a partner that was similar to the ones I’ve had before. I think that maybe, on some unconscious level, I was always okay with this outcome?” I say it like it’s a question, although I realize the truth of it as I voice the thought. “I was thinking that I was the token straight man on the show, but maybe a truly straight person wouldn’t have signed up in the first place,” I admit.

He’s still just staring at me so I keep going. “And now that I know it’syou, I still want to do all of it. I wantyouto give me cooking lessons in person this time, I want to go toyourfarm and bring Lucky to meet the chickens. I haven’t been this excited about anything in my life in a long time. Please don’t tell me I’ve fucked it all up already. Can you give me another chance? Let me prove there’s a reason we picked each other.”

He doesn’t look convinced, so I let go and step back, finally taking him in. He’s a big guy, maybe an inch shorter than my six foot three with wide shoulders that fill out the open flannel he’s wearing over a tight T-shirt. A backwards baseball cap completes his farm-boy getup, and the full beard that covers the bottom half of his face makes his blue eyes seem brighter. He’s still a bit tan even though it’s winter, and I can only imagine the contrast in the summer when he’s on the farm all day. He’s definitely a good-looking guy, even with how pissed off he seems to be with me right now.

But am I attracted to him? Could I kiss him? Date him?

I’m surprised that I’m not opposed to the idea. I’m actually kind of… intrigued? A part of me does want to kiss him right now, just to see what it would be like.Which isn’t a super straight thought to have.

Other than the times I’d wished I could just marry Chad to fulfill my parents’ ultimatum, I’ve never considered dating a man before.I’ve never really had a reason to before the ultimatum.I’ve had a lot of fun with women over the years, and I’ve neverhad any doubts about my interest in them. But what I have done hasn’t worked. I came to this show determined to get married.I wonder what my parents will say when I tell them I’m engaged to a man?They want me to be married, though, and they never specified to whom.

I just thoughtwhennotif… I’m totally doing this if he’ll agree to give me another chance.

If I didn’t completely fuck it up already.

Plus, it’s not like I actually need to propose right now—we still have time. I can prove to him that the connection we’ve been building is real, even if I fucked up the in-person first impression. Even if I need to ease into the physical aspects of being with another man. The next step is just living together, which doesn’t sound bad at all. I’ve already been spending all my free time talking to L anyway, so clearly we get along.

There’s no timeline for anything physical. It’s not like we need to consummate the relationship tonight. We can start with kissing and go from there. I don’t know if I’m just hyping myself up for it or what, but the longer I look at him—or, I guess, I’m checking him out—the more I like that idea… yep, I think I’m fully on board with kissing him. He’s definitely not ugly.

He’s hot, but I’m sure he knows that.

And it’s L. The last week withhimhas been way better than any of my previous relationships, so I do want to give this thing between us a chance. I care about him in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever cared about someone before, even if I didn’t know L was a “him” until now. I think I owe it to the both of us to embrace this opportunity.

I fully realize that being open to dating a man isn’t, like, peak straight behavior. Neither is thinking about kissing him, or doing more, but I actually don’t think I care about the whole “straight” label. It might be what I’ve always assumed, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.

“So, what’s your name?” I eagerly ask, finally over myshock. I’m getting more excited the more I think about what this next phase of the show will really look like—about spending real time with L. I’ve been eager to meet them, to be with them, and now that I can finally picture this man in all the moments I imagined us sharing, I’m just as excited to live with them.

“Liam.” He rolls his eyes at me, but it looks like maybe he’s trying to fight a smile too, and that only makes my smile grow more. Now that I’ve gotten over the initial surprise, all I’m really feeling is nervous anticipation—the kind I used to get before a big game I was desperate to win. Maybe I should be upset, disappointed, even confused. But the more I think about it, the more the butterflies in my stomach seem to multiply as I wait for him to agree to continue this experience with me. “I’m Blake. Nice to officially meet you,” I say, sticking out my hand. He eyes it wearily before reluctantly shaking. “So, are we doing this?” I check.Can he tell how desperate I am for his approval?

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