Page 10 of The Reality of Wanting Him

LM

I read it as teasing, don’t worry. Sorry I hadn’t responded. Today has been a lot and I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for more of it before I schedule anything else.

That’s cool. “I’m glad I didn’t mess this up already,” I say after reading their text aloud. “And I’m glad that they’re being so honest right off the bat and not pushing themself to do something that they aren’t up for.”

BB

Well I definitely don’t want you to overextend yourself. It has been a crazy-busy day. Thank you for being so honest with me. If the dates are too much right now, I’d love to keep chatting here when you’re free. But if you need the night off, I totally get that too. I have to go for a bit, but I hope that the rest of your evening goes well and we can talk soon.

I go straight to my scheduled date instead of sitting around anxiously waiting to see if LM responds. I hope they do, because their message definitely sparked my interest. It felt like the most genuine moment of this experience so far, and I want more of that.

Going into this second round, I need to figure out what went wrong in the first place to only have five matches, and change my ways quickly. None of the dates in the first round were the same, of course, but looking back I realize I did a lot of the talking. I tend to do that when I’m excited, and don’t always recognize when it’s my turn to shut up, so I want to make a conscious effort to be an active listener as much as I can during this next round. Letting the other person talk should also help me figure out who I vibe with the most, so it’s a win-win.

I try to focus on the dates for the next few hours. These are a bit longer than the first round—thirty minutes—and the showprovides flash cards full of label-free icebreaker questions for us to use if needed. I answer the questions that my dates ask me, but I try to not monopolize as much of the time, and to really listen to what they’re saying.

My date with RR definitely seems like the easiest of the three I have tonight. They have no trouble filling the silence, but also didn’t interrupt me when it’s my turn to talk. I wouldn’t say that we necessarily have a ton of interests in common, but based on some of their stories and the places they mention, it’s fairly obvious that they’re also from a well-off family. We’re also both from the city which gives us a lot to talk about, and the time is over quickly.

The whole time I’m in these dates, though, I can’t stop the nagging questions in the back of my mind from drawing my attention.Did LM respond? Will they want to talk to me again?

When the dates are over and I finally get to hang out in the living room, I don’t even pretend to play it cool. I get comfortable on the couch and immediately pull up the messaging app to check for a response.

LM

I scheduled a date for tomorrow. Thanks for being so understanding.

“Fuck yes!” I say pumping my fist and doing a little happy dance. “Oh shit, are we allowed to swear? I definitely should have asked that sooner,” I say as I throw an apologetic look to the camera above the TV.I like pretending that’s where the audience is to entertain myself.I think I’m already going a little stir-crazy without dog cuddles or interactions with other people face-to-face. “Sorry, I’m just excited that LM scheduled a date,” I explain with a shrug.

BB

Can’t wait!

I don’t want to be too pushy with anyone, so I hold off on sending any more messages after I respond to LM. I spend some time preparing an actual dinner, and then when I’m still too hyped up from the day to go to bed, I do another bodyweight workout. I saw an option to schedule gym time on the calendar so that no one else is there at the same time, and I definitely plan to take advantage of that option, but for now this will do. When I’ve finally worked off some energy, I take a shower and get ready for bed.

The entire time, I’m tempted to send another message to LM. Maybe ask them how the rest of their night went, or reassure them that they aren’t alone in feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole process. But I hold off. They already seemed a little more hesitant than my other matches and I don’t want to scare them off yet.I’m really glad they scheduled a date though.

8

LIAM

Producer:What’s a red flag you couldn’t ignore when you first start dating someone?

Liam:Dishonesty.

BB

Good morning, looking forward to our date!

Ithink about the cameras and remind myself to speak my thoughts out loud, “B definitely seems excited to connect again, and their eagerness is starting to rub off on me—just a little. I’ve never been one for overbearing or clingy partners. So much of my work on the farm is independent, and I can’t have someone expecting a response from me 24/7. I need space, and I’m still not sure if B’s energy is something that complements mine or if it’s going to exhaust me, but I guess we’ll find out.”

I went on two more dates lastnight before I hit my social limit. I could’ve crammed more in, but I knew I’d get overwhelmed and wouldn’t give anyone a fair shot. I also know that I only have so much time before the dating part of the experience is up and I need to pick a match or go home alone—obviously not the goal. Today, I’ll get through the rest, which still feels like a lot, but I’m hoping for some actual clarity on who I want to keep talking to.It’s only two and a half hours total this morning that I need to talk to people.Then I’ll have freedom to spend time just talking to who I want.

I talked to JR again last night, and I think we’re going to be really good friends. I picked them because our first ten-minute conversation felt so easy, and the second conversation was the same. I don’t feel a connection in a romantic way, but in the kind of way where you meet someone and immediately think,Oh yeah, this person’s going to be part of my life.There was no pressure or awkwardness, and I felt like I could actually breathe for the first time during one of these dates.

We spent half our time talking about the show itself. Then we somehow got onto the topic of bad dates, which led to JR telling me about the time a date took them to a cemetery for a “romantic” nighttime stroll and then tried to perform a spoken-word poem about soulmates next to someone’s gravestone. I was actually crying from laughing.

By the time the timer buzzed, I didn’t feel like I was cutting off a date—I felt like I was just hanging up on a really fun conversation with a friend. I decided then and there that they’re staying in my rotation, not for romance, but because this show would be unbearable without at least one person I can fully be myself around and go to for comfort.

Speaking of dates today,I need to message B back.

---