Page 71 of The Reality of Wanting Him

The spot we got engaged, whereheproposed tome.Was it just so he’d have a guaranteed yes and get his money?

My mind spins as I enter the gate to their yard, stuck on that proposal that felt so sincere, and the way he’d refer to himself as their daddy. I haven’t had the heart to tell the chickens yet that it’s just me again. The thought alone makes my throat tighten when I imagine speaking the words out loud. I know they don’t care, but his supposed love for them was infectious, and has me feeling like they really were his children, even after such a short time. I clutch the feed bucket a little tighter as I scatter the grain. They, of course, don’t know that anything has changed. They still run up to me, excited to eat and be let out for the day.Blake probably isn’t even someone they remember.

But in such a short time, he’s taken over every inch of this farm for me.

This whole place reminds me of him, and before I can stop it, my vision blurs and tears start falling. I can’t believe I have any left in me after the last three days, but lo and behold, here they are. I try to swipe them away, but they won’t stop. This hashappened every time I’ve come over here. It’s inevitable, the pain is so fucking deep, so raw, that I can’t hold myself together even during normal tasks.

I really thought he loved me. I believed that he chose me because he wanted to be with me. He wasthatgood at lying. I couldn’t even see the deception.

Every time I try to reason with myself that itmust havebecome real for him at some point—that he couldn’t fake the emotion he put into our relationship, the intimacy we shared—his mother’s harsh words come back to me in full force.

“He has no real direction in his life, so he just follows whatever path is laid out for him at any given time.”

I dab my eyes with my shirt and realize just how much I've been crying. I guess I should head back to the house to eat something and change. I think I need a minute.

I’m so mad at myself about it too. I’d tried so hard to keep my guard up this time, until I was absolutely sure. But he made me believe he wanted this as badly as I did. I finally let myself think that I could have the kind of love my parents had.I even told him that.I confided in him. But this whole time, it had been an act, a way for him to make sure I said yes so that he could get his money.

Am I just a complete fool to believe that any of what we had was real?I must be.

Thoughts of my past relationship keep rushing back to the forefront of my mind—the man who strung me along, let me believe we were building something together, all while keeping another relationship in the background. Those feelings that I thought I’d gotten over, of how small and stupid I felt when I found out. How used he’d made me feel when I’d realized I was just anoptionwhen once again, I had thought I was his future.

This feels so much worse, though. Blake was supposed to be my forever—when I was just a payday to him.

My heart hurts, a constant stabbing pain in my chest that’simpossible to ignore as I drop onto the couch and continue to cry. I’m exhausted by my own grief after days of enduring this. My whole body aches at this point.

And because everything seems to be harder than it needs to be right now, there’s a knock at the door right after I settle on the couch. I don’t even try to hide my groan, my dad has been trying to give me space, but it must finally be time for him to come check on me. He keeps telling me he can handle the farm chores, but if I sit here for too long, wallowing in my sorrow with nothing to give me a sense of purpose, I don’t know if I’ll ever go back outside. I’m scared I’ll lose myself completely in the despair I’m feeling.

I force myself to stand, grumbling the entire time I shuffle to the door, I really don’t want to have to pretend I’m better than I am in front of my dad. It’s bad enough that Blake deceived me, but he’d won my dad over too. I hate that he believed in us as much as I did, and that he’s now forced to have a front row seat to my heartbreak after seeing how happy I thought Blake and I were.

I open the door, trying to muster up the strength to fake a smile, but it’s not my dad.

It’s Blake.

What the hell is he doing here?

“Hey,” he says softly, gently, like he’s approaching a wounded animal and doesn’t want to be attacked.

I wipe my tears from my cheeks and try to pull myself together, though I know he’s already seen what state I’m in.Whatever,I’m in this emotional state because he broke my heart.I shouldn’t have to pretend like I’m okay when I’m not. He can see just how much he broke me with his lies. The thing I told him I hate more than anything.

“What are you doing here?” I finally manage to ask, wishing I sounded angrier.

“I had to see you, L.”

I shake my head because I can’t do this right now. I’m so raw already, I can’t hear that he’s sorry, but he did what he had to do for his parents and their money.

“Blake, I can’t?—”

“No,” he interrupts. “Just, please, Liam. I need to get this out. Please let me explain before you decide you’re done with me.”

I remain silent, staring at him blankly. He’s the one who did this, I didn’tdecideanything. But he looks determined, and I don’t think getting rid of him will be as easy as shutting the door in his face. So, I resign myself to a few more minutes of torture in his company, to stare at the man I wanted to spend my life with.

I’d rather hear whatever excuse he’s come up with now, rip the Band-Aid off. Maybe it’ll give me some closure, rather than sitting here wallowing in my confusion over what really happened, letting the questions tear me apart.

“I was an idiot,” he starts. “A coward. I should have told you about the ultimatum the second we got serious. I should have told you, and I’msosorry. I don’t know why I didn’t. I mean, I think a part of me was scared that if I told you, that you’d see me the way my mom does—a spoiled failure who couldn't amount to anything on my own.”

He lets out a huff of air, and I open my mouth to argue, but he holds up a hand.

“I know that’s not how you see me, Liam. I do. But when you left, it felt like she was right. And I’m so sorry you were blindsided, that you felt betrayed. I never wanted to hurt you, and I hate that just because you’re a man, she deemed you not good enough for me. I had no idea she was such a homophobic bitch. I regret not telling you. I know it’ll be the biggest regret of my life.”

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