Page 71 of Beyond Hate

Otto leaned against the wall across from me, his eyes fixated on my pale, nude body. His brows were drawn together, and I couldn’t fool myself into thinking that it was pleasure and satisfaction on his face.

He looked…

Horrified.

It would have been easy to let myself think he was having regrets now that I’d finally, fully given in to everything he wanted. I could have told myself he realized it wasn’t what he actually needed.

I could have told myself a lot of things, but apparently self-deprecating London was one of the things he’d cut out of me last night, because I sat up and let the cover slide down to half hide my legs, aware that every bruise and cut he’d left behind was on full display.

And I watched his eyes track over them all like he was reading a horror story, lingering on the cut he’d carefully taped up that ran down the center of my chest.

“I’m fine, Otto.” I forced the words to sound strong. Maybe I wasn’t a killer, but I could be stubborn if I had to be… and I had a feeling I needed to be now. I’d always thought I was the one who was going to be running, but from the way he was looking at me, I was pretty sure Otto would bolt if he had the chance.

I recognized this shit. This was the part where people usually broke apart, where something ridiculous sent one of us running from the other one. This was the part where things got complicated and difficult and maybe we hurt each other in ways that weren’t physical.

And fuck me, but I wasn’t doing it.

“No. You’ve stalked me. You’ve hunted me.” I stomped across the room and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, yanking him around and snatching his wrist. I pulled it to my chest, over the thundering beat of my heart. “You have me, Otto. Through whatever fucked-up destiny put us together. Beyond death, and beyond hate, you have me.” His eyes were so wide, tiny halos of green ringing blown-out pupils as he stared at me. “You have me, and I have you… and you’re everything I want. You aren’t leaving. We’re both consenting fucking adults, and we’re figuring this out.”

I couldn’t read his expression. I wasn’t sure if he was going to take kindly to the fact that I’d pretty much demanded he get over whatever self-loathing phase he was about to go through so we could just skip past that part. After a second, though, the corner of his mouth lifted into the slightest smile, even though it was almost helpless. Even though his eyes roamed across the bruises on my body like he still had an apology on the tip of his tongue.

“I don’t think I can stop hurting you, London.”

I rolled my eyes. “Who said you had to? Otto…” I stepped into him and felt blood rush to my cheeks. I was about to admit something that was pretty obvious but I’d never actually uttered aloud. “In case you didn’t notice, I kind of liked it. It’s like this life has shaped me to be exactly the thing you need…” I felt the hitch of his breath. How could I deny it, though? Neither of us could. With the pictures and files, with the way we just fit… the way it made no sense that I’d wanted him from the second he’d taken me… “And if you haven’t realized, you’re exactly what I want. You make me feelgoodwhen you break me.”

He froze then.

“London…”

It was like he was warning me, but I didn’t care.

“It feels good because your hands run along every crack in my chest I’ve felt my entire life. Every broken piece of me that made me feel hopeless—useless. It burns, and it hurts, and then you’re there pressing it back together in a clean line. I’m fucked up, because somewhere along the timeline I broke myself.” His gaze darkened, and I could see it there—a cliff I was going to walk off, a destiny I was never going to be able to escape—and I wanted it. I wanted to fall. I wanted to break. I wanted to drown in the ocean of our fucked-up past and fill my lungs with saltwater until I learned to live somewhere caught between the waves and the burn. It made me reach out and take his hand, drag it up between us so he could feel how hard my heart was hammering.

“I—”

“Please… you fill up all those empty spaces with all the dark parts of you that some version of me brought to life, and it makes me feelwhole. You don’t get to take that away from me because you feel guilty for giving me exactly what we were both born to need. You don’t get to walk away now that you’re here, Otto. You’re mine too.”

When he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, wrapping his arms around me to close the space between us, I knew I was signing my soul over to the devil standing in front of me.

And I knew without a doubt in my mind that I’d do it over and over again, in every life for the rest of forever.

“Are you sure about this, rabbit…” he murmured against my lips when he pulled back from the kiss, and I shivered. When I’d first heard that nickname, it scared me… but now…

Now I couldn’t imagine being called anything else.

“I love you, Otto.” He froze, his arms around me suddenly tightening enough that the air left my lungs. It didn’t matter. I filled them with the breath he let out in a soft little exhale and kept talking. “It doesn’t have to make sense. I just know I can’t breathe without you. I can’tdo thiswithout you. So you have to stay with me.” I looked up at him, my eyes burning. “You have to love me too.”

I think it was the first time in my life I’d ever demanded anything. I knew it was the first time anything I’d asked for had the ability to break me into a thousand pieces if I didn’t get it.

“London, I…”

“I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you I’m worth it. I’ll spend the rest of every life making up for what happened in the past. But you have to love me too, Otto, or I think I might die. I can’t—”

His fingers in my hair tugged hard enough to cut me off with a sharp gasp. They were painful enough to make the tears I’d beenholding back slip from my eyes as he pulled me away so I had to look at him.

“The way I feel about you… it’s more than love. It’s obsession. It’s bottomless… endless. It’s terrifying, London.” Otto shuddered, inhaling like he was trying to find the strength to keep talking. “But you’re mine. My air, my heartbeat. You’re every thought I have. You’re the only thing I want. From the second I saw you, I felt you beneath my skin, slipping between my bones and making a home in my blood.” His fingers tightened until I cried out again, and his lips drifted down, so I felt the tip of his tongue trail the tears tracking my cheeks. “I love you, rabbit, if you need to hear it like that. I’ll stay. I’ll break you for the rest of our lives as long as you keep looking at me like you are right now.”

I twisted in his grip and pressed my mouth against his again, sealing the words with a kiss chased by the taste of my tears on his tongue.

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