Page 42 of Beyond Hate

He hadn’t been for a long time.

I should have made it completely clear to him from the second I’d gotten back that we were over.

I’d been afraid then…

But I was more afraid now. Not because of Hudson—he might hurt me, and I’d always known that. It wasn’t him, though. It was what I’d said. My body was burning, my face flushed. It was some weird mixture of adrenaline and the feel of those words still stinging on my tongue.

I’d said Otto’s name, and when I had, it wasn’t just me being petty or trying to make Hudson mad. This had been building in my chest since Otto left the apartment, left me a mess on the couch… and then I’d had to see Hudson walk in an hour later like a reminder of everything in my life that waswrong.

I’d said Otto’s name because I knew what I was saying was the truth.

Ottowantedme. And in that moment, when the words had come out, I’d wanted him too. I’d wanted him here so I could see the fear cross Hudson’s face when he raised his fist to me. I’d wanted him here because some part of me knew on instinct alone that maybe Otto didn’t actually give a shit about me, maybe he wanted to see me hurt and in pain… but there was no part of him that was ever going to let someone else be the one who did it.

He’d probably cut off Hudson’s hands before he let him touch me again. And I…

Fuck, when I’d said his name, it almost felt like I was trying to summon my own personal demon, like I’dwantedto watch him appear like a shadow and show Hudson how wrong he’d been.

How wrong he’d been abouteverything… because in some fucked-up way, this was all his fault.

I’d run out of the apartment that night because he’d hit me.

I’d been unprotected because he hadn’t believed me.

I was a different person, and Hudson was still looking at me like I was his own personal victim.

But I wasn’t.

I was Otto’s…

“Fuck.” Heat sprang into my eyes as I felt around in my pockets. At least I’d been smart enough to grab my wallet when I stormed out. I still had my keys—I could go back when Hudson wasn’t there and grab the few items that I actually cared about, and then I’d leave.

I wasn’t sure where I was going to go, but I couldn’t stay here anymore. Not when I’d just wished… something worse than death on the man standing across from me.

Not when he made it so clear that he was going to do whatever he could toget me back. I’d die before I let him touch me again. It would be wrong.

Not after what I’d done with…

“Aren’t you a brave little rabbit today?”

Shit.

Was there some rule about thinking about him too many times and he’d show up? At least this time we were on a busy street. There were dozens of people milling around us. Sure, he could take me, but he’d been careful not to get caught until this point. I didn’t think he’d risk it now.

It just meant I couldn’t do something stupid, like dart into an alleyway, so he had a chance to repeat how we’d first met. Instead, I kept my gaze on the ground, not looking up at him. I was hoping he was calling me brave because I was out walking alone, and not because—

“I could kill him for you if you wanted me to. I mean, I’m probably going to do it anyway. But if you wanted to ask so you’d have an excuse for me to punish you again…”

I wasn’t that lucky, was I? He’d heard at least part of what I’d said, or he wouldn’t be bringing up casual murder. It finally made me glance up at him, and the heat roiling behind his gaze answered the question more than his words had. He hadn’t just heard part of it.

I was pretty sure he’d heard all of it, which meant Otto knew I’d said his name.

“I don’t want you to kill anyone.” At least, I didn’t anymore. Maybe I’d wanted… something… in that moment, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. He had no proof of what I’d been thinking, so…

“Are you so sure about that?” He fell into step beside me like we were just two friends walking down the street. It was fucked up and weird, but some part of it felt…

Normal.

Like I’d done this before.

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