Page 26 of Beyond Hate

Fuck, how many times had I heard that in my life? From my foster family, from exes.

“Sure, Hudson. Sorry.” I snagged my bag as he grabbed for me, and thankfully I managed to dance out of the way before his fingers made contact with my arm. “Working late tonight.”

He leaned in, pressing his lips to mine in a kiss that made my stomach churn. I didn’twantto be here.

I didn’t want him to touch me.

I didn’t want…

God, I wasn’t sure what I wanted, because there was a small part of me that couldn’t erase the memory of another person pressing their lips to my skin, their fingers rough and painful, their voice full of threats that sparked and warred with my sanity.

Trauma… It was nothing but trauma. Stockholm Syndrome or some shit like that. He’d beenniceto me, and I’d been so afraid I was going to die.

It was no surprise my body made me think I liked what he was doing.

And I…

“I’ll see you later.” I pushed back from Hudson as his hand trailed to my waist, trying to pull me closer. I saw the flare of irritation in his gaze, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get away with this for much longer.

It had been over a month since Otto had turned me loose… a month of me playing pretend that life was normal, that nothing hadhappened.

I didn’t think Hudson was going to let me get away with it for much longer. Fuck, I wasn’t sure I could keep it up for much longer, if I was being honest.

I just wanted…

Whatever thought tried to make its way to the surface, I shoved it down as hard as I could and pulled out my keys. I didn’t want to be late for work.

I was lucky that Til took me back without question—he was an older man, though still good looking. I liked working there because he made sure the environment was safe, and because he treated his dancers like what we were doing was art, not just using our bodies for money.

It was strange that some man I barely knew could make me feel valid and seen, could make me feel like the choices I made weren’t going to ruin my life.

It helped that Til’s was also an openly queer bar. The dancers weren’t hired based on gender, and the crowd was a complete mix. I didn’t care whose eyes I had on me—their money and admiration were all the same.

Being bisexual was useful when you needed to convince the people you danced for that you were into all of them watching you.

“How you doing, London?” The deep rumble of Til’s voice was the first thing that met me when I slid into the employee entrance. His dark eyes checked me over, and I let out a soft sigh of relief—if nothing else, I was safe here. There’d been a few times where I thought about asking him if I could just stay at the club… but the last thing I needed was Til thinking I was a burden.

The last thing I wanted was for him to look at me like he didn’t respect me.

So instead I smiled as I slung my jacket off and opened my locker—luckily he hadn’t cleared it out while I was gone, so all of my clothes had been neatly waiting for me when I came back

“Doing all right. Just a little jittery.” I pulled out a shimmery top and held it up. When Til wrinkled his nose, I put it back and took out a lacy set of lingerie instead. He nodded. “I just want to work out some of this energy.”

He nodded again, giving my shoulder a gentle pat. “I’m sure you’ll feel better once you get out there.”

Til’s smile was warm as he turned and left me to get dressed, and I waited until he was gone before I leaned my shoulders against the other locker and blew out a breath.

I would have felt better before—being here, dancing, losing myself to the rhythm and the music had always brought me a sense of peace even when my world was falling apart—but now everything felt off center, like I was slightly misaligned.

I’d seen a completely different world and then I’d been thrown back into this one, and it felt like I’d never figured out how to get back on my feet. It felt like I’d accidentally left some part of myself in that building, and it was burned to the ground.

Or like he took it.

Like Otto was…

“No.” I blew out a breath and forced my eyes up to the mirror in front of me. I needed to get myself together so I could focus on the crowd, on something that made me feel good.

I needed to figure out how to beLondonagain, to forget that some part of me had broken while I’d been gone.

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